What Is Perfectionism?

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Perfectionists tend to try to discover another's essential nature to know for sure if they can trust them.

Forming a conclusion about another's essence tends to be distorted by biased thinking.

We can learn to tolerate ambiguity, reframing it as a fact of life, rather than a mental nuisance.

At its core, perfectionism is extremely personal, often aiming to touch one’s essence, whether one’s own or another’s. The perfectionist’s search may appear secular, but it could even be considered spiritual in nature, even if the individual defines themself as an atheist or agnostic; regardless, they often seek fundamental, personal truths. If the primary motive of their life is becoming perfect, this may stem from a desperate need to conclusively and directly answer the questions: “Who am I really?” “Who am I at my core?” “Am I really defective?” And one way to get closer to these truths, eliminating confusion, is by testing one’s abilities or traits. “If I’m brilliant, then I should always thrive academically.” “If I’m beautiful, then I should never be sexually or romantically rejected.”

Even grander, the assumptions may be, “If I’m lovable, then I should find true love,” or “If I’m brilliant, then my work should be universally applauded.” Since no achievement can ever really “prove” who you are, we keep upping the ante, hoping the next one will. The search is for certainty—which, to borrow from F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby, seems to recede whenever we think we’re drawing near it—life presents all of us with few absolutes.

The fixation on a core self often plagues the perfectionist in several respects: the first is related to poor........

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