What Is Perfectionism?

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Perfectionists, to feel secure, may obsessively search for a thing’s essence.

Black-and-white thinking contributes to oversimplifying ourselves, others, and life.

We can learn to find meaning in between extremes and essences.

If we think of perfectionism as a response to one’s uncertainty about oneself, a strategy devised to conclusively prove one’s worth, then we can also consider it to be a response to one’s uncertainty about others, in particular, how much they care. Perfectionists struggle with making sense of the world, fluctuating between extremes. This crops up in existential concerns, as well as more common ones. So, the world either feels magical or meaningless. The perfectionist is either brilliant or worthless. Others either care or they don’t. This mindset leaves little room for complexity, betraying a strong preference to consider life in terms of essences.

And the search for or cultivation of them can reasonably be thought of as perfectionism’s ultimate aim. The perfectionist desperately wants the world to be neat and predictable, to know that everything fits everything else, that everything is basically pure. Fundamentally, they struggle with adequately making sense of paradoxes, or the apparent inconsistencies associated with violated expectations. This is, in part, why perfectionists tend to struggle with episodic but deep depression. For example, plagued by doubt in relationships, they chronically test them. If a thing is, at bottom, what it seems to be, then it should easily pass. So, perfectionists utilize idealized criteria for others. “Are they always consistent?” “Are they there whenever I need them?” “Do they go above and beyond?” “How much do they really care?”

And if one thing goes wrong, it must mean the relationship was never pure, meaning essentially bad. And if it’s bad, it then feels empty. Perfectionists tend to feel this void chronically, perceiving it to be a fact of life, at least when in that state. In treatment, they might say, “Everything is meaningless” or “Nobody cares.” They bemoan empty relationships along with their empty plans. Nothing seems to matter because it never seems to work in the intended manner. Seldom do they ask, “But does that void represent something real?” Existentially speaking, the state of emptiness has religious implications, an indicator of being distanced from god or some ethereal, global essence. Everyone feels it periodically. But many, especially perfectionists, tend to take that feeling seriously, as though it always tells us something extremely important about our lives.

If I chronically feel empty in my relationship, it must mean I’m taken for granted. If I feel chronically empty in my job, it must mean it’s meaningless. And if I feel spiritually empty, it must mean that life is meaningless. But what if that void more so represents the limits of your interpretations than your life or even life itself? What if it symbolizes excessive expectations, misinterpretations, rigidity, unreasonable self-doubt, and even mental illness? What if the void doesn’t represent anything fatalistically and “essentially” meaningful about your life or even life itself?

To be clear, this sort of depressive state should be addressed clinically, with the aid of mental health professionals—an article on its own is nowhere near enough. But it can be helpful to re-examine your understanding of your life and its accompanying feelings, many of which are founded on an excessive need for certainty and comfort. Religion provides us with the certainty of meaning, a sense of safety, and assurance of immortality. Worshipers provide us with the assurance of a community. And our grandiose delusions provide us with the certainty of superiority.

Interestingly, the absence of the latter, clinically speaking, is expected to produce a state of emotional emptiness in those with narcissistically-structured personalities. For them, life is “all or nothing.” Broadly, I make the case that this is true for all perfectionists, that the sense of nothingness is little more than an indicator of excessive demands, through which we can move past. Nothing will ever be what we want it to be, and that’s okay. Are there ways that a friend or partner showed you they care about you even after letting you down? Is nihilism the only alternative to religious devotion and/or perfectionism? Can you distance yourself somewhat from that numbness to assess your life in a less extreme way? Are are aspects of your life that others consider meaningful and does that matter to you? Can you be important without being special?

Buddhism teaches us that while there is no self that survives death, the elements comprising us split apart and recombine to live on in a new life, which shouldn’t be confused with reincarnation, the process of the soul moving into a new body in the afterlife. It also teaches us that suffering stems largely from our misapprehensions and resistances, our tendency to label things as essentially good or essentially bad when they just are and should be expected, without the accompanying expectation of insight into their nature. This way of thinking is applicable to the realm of perfectionism and extremism more broadly, for Buddhist thinking is far from empty. It helps us grasp a middle ground between the extremes of nihilism and profound spiritual purpose. It teaches us that we may find the flow of meaning within the unavoidable chaos but also that we will, at times, have to let go of our stubborn search for it, for there isn’t an essence to be discovered, and allow life to try to present it to us in a yet to be imagined, and more measured, way. While I’m not necessarily arguing that Buddhism highlights the true nature of things, I am arguing that our preoccupations with essences and expectations often blind us.

What Is Perfectionism?

Take our Perfectionism Test

Find a therapist near me

Rahula, W. (1959). What the Buddha Taught. Oneworld Publications.

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