Why Relationships Matter

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Conflict isn't the problem. Escalation is.

Repair attempts stop arguments from spiraling.

Repair attempts help you catch the spiral before hurt, anger, and stonewalling take over.

Early in my training as a child and family therapist, I worked with two people who loved each other deeply but fought terribly. They were warm, funny, and generous, but when conflict erupted between them, they became almost unrecognizable. Arguments would spiral fast, their voices would rise, and within minutes they'd be so entrenched in their respective positions that the original issue had long since disappeared beneath the hurt, anger, and defensiveness.

They were also devoted Monty Python fans. That may seem utterly irrelevant, but it turned out to be one of the most useful things I knew about them.

One day, near the end of yet another session spent excavating the wreckage of a particularly bad fight, I suggested we try something completely different. What if they had a ritual for the moment they sensed conflict beginning to spiral—something so unexpected and absurd that it would interrupt the escalation before it took on a life of its own?

We settled on a rubber parrot, a nod to Monty Python's famous Dead Parrot sketch, which they knew word for word. The rule was simple: whenever an argument started getting........

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