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Extreme self-reliance, entrenched cynicism, envy, and entitlement are negative habits that starve gratitude.

If you want to minimize these habits, don’t just attack them head-on. Your mind clings to what it resists.

It's better to adopt a new belief, habit, or a virtue that’s the opposite of what you’re trying to displace.

One key to personal growth is embracing this important principle: Addition is the best form of subtraction.

Many of us aspire to be more grateful yet struggle to feel grateful. Why?

Part of the problem could be the presence of certain vices that starve your gratitude: extreme self-reliance, entrenched cynicism, envy, and entitlement. You could call them gratitude gremlins, or the 4Es. (At the end, I’ll share a simple practice to resist them.)

1. Extreme Self-Reliance

A healthy dose of self-reliance can be good. But in its extreme form—when we consistently refuse or even dread asking for help—self-reliance not only creates problems in our lives but also makes us less grateful. When we insist on going it alone, we deny others the chance to bless us—and in doing so, we rob ourselves of opportunities to be grateful.

Unsurprisingly, research shows that people who highly value autonomy—a sense of independence, uniqueness, and self-reliance—tend to feel less gratitude and to value it less.

2. Entrenched Cynicism

Cynicism doesn’t mean a general sense of pessimism but a more specific skepticism about other people—especially their motives. And research by Rebecca Solom and colleagues demonstrates that cynicism inhibits gratitude.

Like self-reliance, a little bit of cynicism can sometimes be healthy, particularly when dealing with financial matters. Too many people have fallen prey to scams.

But cynicism becomes a big problem when it’s entrenched—when we habitually assume the worst in others. Consider the following scenarios:

Scenario 1: Someone provides you with practical help that you appreciate, but you strongly suspect they have an ulterior motive for helping you.

Scenario 2: Someone goes out of their way to help you but fails—although you truly believe they were kind and genuine.

In Scenario 1, unlike in Scenario 2, you actually receive help. Yet, ironically, you’re more likely to feel grateful to the other person in Scenario 2. Why?

Because gratitude isn’t just about what we get—it’s also about recognizing someone’s goodwill. When cynicism colors how we interpret others’ motives, it robs us of our gratitude.

Envy is about comparing yourself to someone who seems better off and fixating on what they have that you don’t. And if you’re hankering after what you don’t have, it’s harder to appreciate what’s already yours.

Research backs this up. The same study by Rebecca Solom and colleagues found that envy predicted less gratitude two months later.

When we feel entitled, we believe the world or other people owe us something just because of who we are. We believe we’re special and we just deserve more.

We’re entitled to some things in life—such as respect from others and a life free from discrimination. But we’re not entitled to everything—not even a life free from pain and suffering.

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At its core, entitlement is a mindset of high demands and low appreciation. It’s the quiet voice that whispers, “I shouldn’t have to wait in line,” or “Why don’t good things happen to me more often?” or “Why isn’t everyone doing things perfectly for me all the time?”

And when reality doesn’t meet our expectations, resentment creeps in—we start believing that life, or other people, are constantly failing us. You can see why it’s hard to be grateful when we’ve a strong sense of entitlement—because when everything feels owed to us, nothing feels special.

It’s often hard for us to see ourselves as entitled—like the air we breathe, we often don’t notice it. That is, until we find ourselves really angry or upset about something or someone.

I’m not suggesting that every bout of anger is a sign of entitlement. But if you notice that anger shows up frequently in your life, it’s worth pausing to consider your underlying assumptions about the world and other people.

Could it be that your anger is less about what others are doing and more about the demands or expectations you’re placing on them?

Putting It All Together

To sum up, here’s an easy way to remember the four gratitude gremlins or the 4Es:

Extreme Self-Reliance: I don’t need anyone!

Entrenched Cynicism: What’s the catch?

Envy: Why them? It should have been me!

Entitlement: I’m special; I deserve more!

Addition is the Best Form of Subtraction

Take a moment to consider the 4 Es. Which one of these shows up in your life most often? Which one’s the main culprit robbing you of gratitude?

You might now be wondering how to get rid of these gratitude gremlins. Easier said than done, right?

Here’s a tip—and it applies not just to the vices that block gratitude but to any bad habit or unhelpful belief you’re trying to resist: If you’re trying to get rid of something bad, don’t just attack it head-on. Your mind tends to cling to what it resists. If you obsess over not being envious, envy continues to occupy center stage in your mind.

What works better is to embrace a good habit, a new belief, a virtue that’s the opposite of, or adjacent, to what you’re trying to displace.

In short, it’s easier to pursue what’s good rather than to avoid what’s bad.

Want to overcome extreme self-reliance? Practice nourishing reliance. Start by accepting help from others, even if you don’t (think) you need it. Give others a chance to bless you.

Hoping to reduce entrenched cynicism? Embrace goodwillism. Spread positive gossip—talk about other people’s goodness behind their backs. It won’t change their behaviors, but it’ll shift your perception. You’ll become less cynical and more attuned to people’s strengths.

Trying to get rid of envy? This one can be tricky. In a social media-saturated world, you’re constantly exposed to people better than yourself. You can’t simply will yourself out of feeling envious. But when it shows up, turn your attention to people you admire—they may be better than you, but you genuinely like them and are not threatened by them. Focus on what you like about them that you can add to your life.

Struggling with entitlement? As I discussed in a previous article, cultivate an abundance mindset. Reflect on moments when you feel lucky, fortunate, or blessed. Every day, use these three magic words to deepen your sense of abundance—I get to…

That same principle applies to any bad habit or unhelpful belief. Never focus just on cutting out what’s bad without also pursuing what’s good. You don’t escape an outdated belief or habit just by resisting it—you outgrow it by creating a better habit or belief.

Because, in the end, addition is the best form of subtraction.

This piece is Part 2 of a mini-series on virtues and vices associated with gratitude. It also appears in my Substack newsletter on the science and practice of gratitude.

Solom, R., Watkins, P. C., McCurrach, D., & Scheibe, D. (2017). Thieves of thankfulness: Traits that inhibit gratitude. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 12(2), 120–129. https://doi.org/10.1080/17439760.2016.1163408

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