Today's Stoicism is easily associated with self-help, but it is not quite the same.

Stoicism suggests that we should always be aiming for virtue, which means that virtue becomes our priority.

When we place the focus on what is genuinely good, familiar problems like people pleasing may dissipate.

At a recent leadership summit, the thoughtful and effervescent actor Kristen Bell was interviewed by psychologist Adam Grant. The topic was people pleasing.

Bell describes herself as a people pleaser, hypervigilant about how other people are feeling, and wanting to contribute to their feeling better. It can feel pretty terrible to be a people pleaser.

Bell offers an example by acting out a scenario where she cannot get herself to explain that she wants a second coffee but without two creams. She cannot get the words out because she feels so bad about how it will come across. Because Bell is so charming, her experience is especially revealing. A people-pleasing attitude can interfere with even the most socially skilled person's ability to voice a simple preference.

What is behind this? Grant and Bell analyze the phenomenon together.

What is people pleasing really about?

Bell explains how much she has thought about people pleasing. She has begun to notice the energy wasted by it and how it only leads to pointless non-interactions with others. She has been considering whether she knows what the server actually wanted, which may simply be honest feedback so that she can make the coffee the way that Bell likes. And she suggests that her fear of upsetting others might be, instead, a desire to try to control the situation, avoiding the risk that the server might become displeased or feel hassled. The idea is that people pleasing might seem to us to be about others, but it's actually motivated by a fear of discomfort. Adam Grant even suggests that people pleasing is........

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