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When parental guilt shows up, notice it without judgment, then ask: Is meeting my needs hurting or helping?

Comparison doesn't help you parent better — your hard is your hard, regardless of others' circumstances.

The repair practice teaches children that mistakes don't have to break connection.

This post is Part 4 of a series. In Part 1, we looked at the science behind why you may keep snapping at your kids — how hunger, exhaustion, and isolation narrow your window of tolerance until even small things feel unbearable. In Part 2, we explored how guilt keeps you stuck in that cycle — and what actually happens to your children when you're running on empty. In Part 3, we got practical — the HALT framework, small concrete changes, how to talk to your kids about what's going on, and how to build the kind of ongoing support that actually helps.

But even when you understand all of this — even when you have the tools — guilt can still show up. It tells you that taking care of yourself is selfish. That a good parent wouldn't need a break. That you should be able to handle this.

So in this post, let's talk about what to do when guilt shows up, because it will.

How to Deal with Parental Guilt

Reframing your thinking

The shift is a practice. From "I should be able to handle this" to "What do I actually need right now?"

Something that might help: Research on attachment and child development tells us that repairing ruptures matters more than avoiding them in the first place. You don't have to get it right every time — or even most of the time. What matters is coming back.

Because it will. Even after you've intellectually understood that meeting your needs helps your children, the guilt will still show up sometimes.

When it does, try this:

Notice it without judgment: "I'm having thoughts that I'm selfish for needing a break."

Challenge it gently: "Is meeting my needs actually hurting my child? Or is it helping them have a parent who's more present?"

Look at the evidence: When you recharge even briefly, you have more capacity to hold space for your child's big emotions instead of erupting back at them. Meeting your needs helps you be the parent you want to be.

Letting go of comparison

Kelly, a parent I spoke with, shared that her turning point came when she stopped caring so much about what others thought of her parenting. This wasn't easy — she described it as one of the things she had to work on with her therapist. But dropping Facebook helped enormously. No more seeing everyone else's perfectly curated parenting moments.

Iris, another parent I worked with, learned something similar. She'd been stuck in what she called "the terrible endless math of comparison". Her mother had worked long hours with fewer resources. Other parents seemed to manage better. Her daughter should be easier than she was.

What helped was recognizing, "My struggles are my struggles". Not better or worse than anyone else's. Just hers. And they were real, even though she had material advantages her mother didn't have.

Comparison doesn't help. Your hard is your hard.

You're going to snap sometimes. You're human. Your window of tolerance will get narrow, and you'll react in ways you wish you hadn't.

What matters more than getting it right every time is coming back.

"I was grumpy earlier. That was about me being really tired, not about anything you did."

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"I yelled, and that scared you. That wasn't okay. I'm sorry."

"I wasn't able to hear you properly this morning. Can we try again now?"

This repair practice teaches your child something important: People make mistakes. And when you make a mistake, you can acknowledge it and reconnect. You don't have to be perfect to be loved.

AJ Bond, who studies shame, talks about how rupture and repair actually strengthen relationships. The repair creates a deeper level of understanding and connection than if the rupture had never happened.

So your imperfection, followed by genuine repair, might actually teach your child more than if you somehow managed to be calm and patient 100% of the time.

Guilt is a response to impossible standards combined with inadequate support. The voice that says "I should be able to handle this" is telling you how much pressure you've been carrying, often without enough help.

And the research actually shows that your children don't need you to be perfect. They need you to come back. Every time you repair, you're teaching your child something more valuable than a parent who never loses it. You're teaching them that people make mistakes, and mistakes don't have to break connection.

That's what breaks the guilt cycle.

So when guilt shows up — and it will — try to remember this: You don't become a better parent by pushing harder or sacrificing more. You become a better parent by recognizing when your tank is getting low and doing something about it before you completely collapse.

Your hard is your hard. Your struggle is real. And meeting your needs isn't something to apologize for — it's what allows you to actually show up for your kids.

So what's one need you can meet today?

Robichaud, J. M., Mageau, G. A., Kil, H., McLaughlin, C., Comeau, N., & Schumann, K. (2025). Parental apologies as a potential determinant of adolescents' basic psychological needs satisfaction and frustration. Journal of experimental child psychology, 254, 106204. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jecp.2025.106204

Vogel, Erin & Rose, Jason & Roberts, Lindsay & Eckles, Katheryn. (2014). Social Comparison, Social Media, and Self-Esteem. Psychology of Popular Media Culture. 3. 206-222. 10.1037/ppm0000047.

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