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When you change your response to a reactive pattern, it often escalates before it fades.

The boundaries that get tested hardest are the ones that used to bend sometimes.

Giving in on the bigger, second blowup teaches a lesson that the old strategy still works.

Parents tell me this all the time, usually with panic and a little betrayal in their voice: "I finally changed how I respond, and it got worse." Early in my career, when I would hear this, I would sheepishly shrink down in my office chair. After all, these parents did everything right, and their kid blew up bigger than ever. But over the years, I realized that's not proof that the new approach failed. In fact, most of the time, it's proof that it's finally working. I have seen this exact sequence more times than I can count in 35 years of clinical work: the moment a parent stops feeding an old reactive pattern, the pattern doesn't quietly retire. It fights back first, harder than it's ever fought before.

The Blowup Right Before the Breakthrough

Psychologists........

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