What's a Parent's Role?

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Don't reflexively react and put yourself in a position you'll regret.

Separate your support from their disrespect, realizing their "I hate you" is often emotional overload.

Change the pattern by changing how you respond and let that reset the outcome.

A mom named Jen said to me this week, "Piper, my adult daughter, told me she hates me... then two days later she asked if I could help her with rent." The names are changed in this example, but the theme is something I hear often when coaching parents. This mom elaborated that she felt furious at the time, not only because Piper said "I hate you" and then asked for money, but because Piper acted like her outburst never even happened.

One of the Most Painful Dynamics Parents Face

Being emotionally pushed away while financially pulled in is maddening for the parents I coach. It leaves them asking, "Am I being used...or are they struggling?" Most parents land in a quiet, stuck place: "I don't want to abandon them...but this doesn't feel OK." Complicating matters, the parents have flashbacks of this adult child when they were younger, and life was not nearly as complicated.

Many parents report to me that their struggling adult children are flooded with thoughts, and many of them, along with associated feelings, come out in an aggressive way. One of my prior posts on a related topic, Overthinking Is the New Failure to Launch, received a lot of attention from readers. It highlighted that when adult children, such as Piper, lash out, they are coming from frustration, shame, feeling misunderstood, and triggers that lead them into overthinking thought spirals.

But when that same child turns around and asks for money, it can feel like a collision of roles in your brain. You go from being a target to being a safety net—in some cases, at almost the same time.

Where Parents Get Trapped

In my coaching practice, I see parents generally go in one of two directions. In one case, they overgive to keep the peace: "OK...I'll help. I just don't want to lose them." This leads to resentment, exhaustion, and blurred boundaries. And when you help without emotional boundaries, it can unintentionally reinforce the very pattern that is painful. If you have seen some of my other posts, I call this wearing a "Kick Me" sign.

In the second case, they shut it down completely: "That's it, I'm done helping." This often leads to guilt and more distance. And yes, I sometimes see the same parents vacillate between the two positions.

There's a Third, Better Way

You do not have to "choose" between loving your adult child and respecting yourself. You actually need both to support the relationship. The good news is that you can be loving, supportive, and available without accepting being treated like dirt. So, you might say, "I care about you and want to be supportive. And, I'm not OK with being spoken to like that. Let's reset and talk about what you need and how I can feel comfortable helping you."

If you were drawn to read this post, you will probably benefit from changing the pattern, rather than just reflexively meeting your adult child's needs. After all, the last thing you want to be is a SWAT-team-leader parent.

In my work with families, and in my book 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child (which applies to ages 4 to 44), I have seen how quietly struggles can take over a parent-child relationship. In short, even though your child is now an adult, the same patterns can still show up—just in more complicated ways.

Final Thoughts: If This Dynamic Feels Familiar

If you are feeling hurt, pulled, conflicted, or just tired of feeling like you are handling things wrong, you are not alone. There are ways to respond that reduce tension and actually improve the relationship over time. And, sometimes, giving yourself the space to think things through, without judgment, can make all the difference.

What's a Parent's Role?

Take our Authoritative Parenting Test

Find a family therapist near me

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