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Blame is often used to leverage demands.

The real test is not the subtle dig or outburst itself, but what your adult child expects from you afterward.

There are ways for parents to hold steady without becoming either "the bank" or "the villain."

Marie, a mother I coach, reached out to me on the heels of a holiday dinner blow-up. Her son, Seth, told her that her divorce had ruined his ability to have a relationship. She felt devastated by Seth's hurtful comments. Three days later, he texted her asking her to cover six months of his rent, "since you're the one who put me in this position financially, too."

The Pattern of "You Owe Me" Deserves a Name

The above scenario is a real example (names changed to protect privacy) from my coaching work. You have likely seen many articles and books about gradual or sudden estrangement between adult children and their parents. But this different type of pattern, exemplified by Marie and Seth, is what I call the accusation-demand cycle. I frequently see occur between many emotionally hurt and reactive adult children and their guilt-overridden parents.

Typically, there is an accusation, and then what follows may be right away or even months later, is a request (demand). The narrative that comes with it is, "If you really feel bad about it, you'd help with the down payment." Or, "The least you could do after everything, is........

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