What's a Parent's Role?

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Many parents worry that if they push back, their adult child will cut them off—permanently.

Compassion does not mean wearing that "Kick Me" sign.

Your adult child owes it to themselves to treat you fairly and with respect.

When an adult child lashes out with blame, contempt, or manipulation, many parents (and often siblings of the offending adult child) find themselves stunned by just how much abuse they tolerate. In my coaching with parents and adult children, I often see seemingly kind, loving, and thoughtful parents quietly enduring emotional upheaval from grown kids. No parent is perfect, but the ones that reach out to me for coaching clearly value growth, healing, and quality connection with their adult children.

When Parents Overthink, They Wear a Kick Me! Sign

When parents overthink, they get into maddening mental loops, replaying conversations, second-guessing themselves, and trying to come up with the "perfect response" in a frantic effort to restore a sense of peace.

Here are three reasons parents get trapped in overthinking.

1. Overthinking Creates Endless Self-Blame

Parents who reach out to me care deeply about their adult children. They don't care too much, but rather, they think too much. Ironically, the very same types of obsessive, problematic thought spirals I discuss in my book, Freeing Your Child From Overthinking, are what occur inside the brains of the parents who reach out to me.

Just last week, one mom I met launched into thought spirals such as: "Did I cause this?" And, "Maybe I just always say the wrong thing?" Another one of my recent coaching clients got stuck in the mental spiral of: "It is all my fault for sending her to that awful summer camp when she was 9 years old."

As these soundbites suggest, this kind of fruitless, destructive rumination leads parents to tolerate behavior they would normally confront. Instead of setting limits, they try to "fix" the situation by becoming human punching bags.

2. Fear of Losing the Relationship

Many parents worry that if they push back, their adult child will cut them off—permanently. I can't tell you how often parents open up to me about their fears that their adult children will abandon them. Nothing gets parents walking on "Eggshells Lane" more than the fear of losing the relationships with their adult children.

They might as well be wearing Kick Me! signs and absorb the nastiness. They tolerate the nasty outbursts and, sure as anything, avoid those attempts at difficult conversations, falling prey to their overthinking, such as "What if they get mad and cut me off for good?" Or, "If I want to see my grandchildren, I have learned to take their crap."

In my book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, I talk about the power of being calm, firm, and noncontrolling. That principle applies just as strongly to parents when their children are grown, adults. The goal is not to control your child, but rather to define what you will accept and what you will not.

What's a Parent's Role?

Take our Authoritative Parenting Test

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For example, a parent might say: "I care about you and want a healthy relationship. I am happy to talk when we can speak respectfully. Would you agree that we both would get a lot further with a calm, constructive conversation to gain a better mutual understanding?" If the conversation still becomes hurtful, you can say: "I am going to step away." Notice the calm, firm, and noncontrolling tone.

3. Parents Confuse Compassion with Tolerating Abuse

Many struggling adult children experience anxiety, depression, job struggles, or relationship failures. Compassion is essential when adult children are hurting. But compassion does not mean wearing that Kick Me sign.

Using the calm, firm, and noncontrolling approach, however, you might say: "I know you are going through a tough time, and I want to support you." At the same time, conversations where I feel attacked are not healthy for either of us."

I have seen firsthand, through the eyes of parents I work with, that when they get a grip on their overthinking, a refreshing shift occurs. These parents become calm, firm, and noncontrolling, and their adult children no longer see the Kick Me sign.

Your adult child owes it to themselves to treat you fairly and with respect. And what you owe to yourself is to know your value by stepping out of those overthinking loops and knowing your value.

© Psychology Today