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“Do your best” often creates pressure and self-criticism, while “Do what you can” brings calm and balance.

The Serenity Prayer teaches acceptance, courage, and wisdom — a powerful CBT message in simple form.

Telling a child “Do what you can” can turn a C grade into self-care instead of failure.

What is the difference between telling someone to “Do your best” and saying “Do what you can”? As a therapist, I can say that people—especially kids—often have very different reactions to these two seemingly similar statements. Some context and exploration of these ideas might help explain why.

Alcoholics Anonymous and other 12-step programs have some helpful mantras they recite at meetings. Many of them, however, are relevant far beyond addiction and offer thoughtful guidance for anyone experiencing mental health struggles or the everyday stresses of life. “One day at a time,” for example, can help people with anxiety and depression avoid becoming overwhelmed by a seemingly worrisome future. “Fake it ‘til you make it” likewise constructively reminds us that all change—even positive change—will feel phony and foreign until we grow accustomed to it. This phrase can be especially apt advice for people who feel like impostors in a new role.

But one saying in particular carries an incisively profound message about mental well-being. Despite its name, the Serenity Prayer can just as easily be viewed in non-religious terms, which I’ll address shortly. Its psychological power lies in this deeper message:

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

From a psychotherapeutic perspective, this can be viewed as an instance of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy—or perhaps even its ultimate expression. It offers a healthier core message that can replace irrational beliefs about what is within our power, such as “I can fix my partner” or, what isn't: “My depression is so bad that nothing can help it.”

As the Hazelden Betty Ford Center (2025) and others have pointed out, the message is equally applicable to non-religious people. One can simply replace “God, grant me the serenity…” with something like “I want to develop the serenity…”. What the prayer does not say is to change as many things as possible and to the greatest extent possible. It is much less intense. It is not about extremes. In short, the entire gist can be summarized as a calm “Do what you can”—the kind of laid-back advice that reminds you of beach life.

Although the two phrases may seem similar on the surface, this calm acceptance feels quite different from the more pointed emotional experience many people have when told, “Do your best.” To see why, imagine a coworker who has signed up to run their first marathon in six months. If you said, “Just do your best!”, what would that actually mean? If the person tried to give their absolute best effort, many other aspects of their life would likely suffer. In an extreme scenario, for example life-or-death circumstances, they might quit their job, spend their life savings on coaches, and isolate themselves from family and friends for the next six months. That would be their "best.”

But that is probably not the goal of most non-professional runners. They are not trying to do their absolute best so much as to do what they can with the marathon while still balancing their other priorities and values in life.

On a practical level, this difference often shows up for children when they cry after receiving a C on a test. Even though they studied, they feel inadequate because they believe that if they had stayed up another two hours poring over the material and sacrificing sleep, they could have earned an A. Because the C does not represent their “best,” they feel dejected.

Rather than allowing (or forcing) the child to stay up late studying, it would be far healthier to tell them, “You can study until bedtime, but then you have to go to sleep. Just do what you can on the test tomorrow.” Instead of becoming a source of self-criticism, the C becomes a testament to healthy self-care.

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So while the difference is subtle, the Serenity Prayer’s message of balance acknowledges that we cannot give 100% to the test and 100% to sleep (while also giving 100% to the million other aspects of our lives), because sometimes these interests are fundamentally opposed to each other. The reality of life is that we do not need to give 100% to everything we do. Maybe that is the first irrational belief many of us need to replace.

Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation. (2025, October 10). The serenity prayer in addiction recovery. https://www.hazeldenbettyford.org/articles/the-serenity-prayer#toc-8176…

This is a general informational and opinion piece and not legal or medical advice. Speak with your therapist or other healthcare provider to learn what treatments are right for you. If you experience an emergency, call 911.

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