Find a therapist to help with ADHD

Women with ADHD are significantly more likely to engage in infidelity than women without ADHD.

Impulsivity, dopamine-seeking and object impermanence can make resisting fidelity harder for women with ADHD

ADHD doesn't excuse infidelity, but it does ask us to look a little deeper before we judge.

Sometimes it's hard to be a woman, as the song goes, giving all your love to just one man. But how many women actually do? Research suggests we may never know the true picture, as many people simply aren't likely to admit to infidelity, making accurate data almost impossible to establish (Whisman & Snyder, 2007). It's still one of the great relational taboos of our time. While society has become more progressive on many areas of how people choose to live their lives, there is still little acceptance of extramarital affairs. You can tell people you're in a polyamorous, BDSM throuple and that is seen as acceptable, but divulge to anyone that you're having an affair, and you are most likely to be met with hostile judgement — particularly if you are a woman. Women are often judged more harshly than men when they transgress beyond the bounds of acceptable sexual behaviour.

Amidst all this secrecy around the intimate details of people's private lives, I am appreciative of the privileged position I hold as a researcher on women with ADHD, where the veil is often lifted on details of women's lives that are more often kept secret. Research suggests that women with ADHD are significantly more likely to engage in infidelity than women without ADHD — a pattern that does not emerge for men (Mc Goldrick, McLoughlin & Bramham, 2023). When asked why they had affairs, women with ADHD cited poor impulse control as the single biggest factor, followed by alcohol disinhibition, sensation-seeking and feeling misunderstood. Perhaps most striking is the gap between desire and action: Women with ADHD were significantly more likely than women without ADHD to act on their sexual interests. But which traits might suggest that women with ADHD are more inclined to cheat?

One of the primary traits of ADHD is increased difficulty in controlling impulsive inclinations. Many people with ADHD feel compelled to act in ways that ultimately lead to destructive consequences. Infidelity can be one of the most destructive events in a person's life, leading to relationship breakdown, divorce, marital upheaval and distress for everyone involved. Where a neurotypical person may be able to mentally "step in" to curtail the urge to cheat, people with ADHD have a much more difficult time refraining from following through on such urges.

Constant dopamine-seeking behaviour can drive people with ADHD to near distraction. The ADHD brain is lacking in dopamine and can seek it out in any form, regardless of the consequences; it is very much an "act now, think later" strategist. The concept of delayed gratification is even harder to grasp when your brain is screaming out for a dopamine hit — be it in the form of food, alcohol, drugs, or, some would say, the most high-level thrill of all: illicit sex.

One thing that keeps most people in check when it comes to cheating is the thought of our partners at home. But for people with ADHD, a curious by-product of neurodivergence inhibit thoughts of people who are not present — often referred to in ADHD communities as object impermanence. While not a formally recognised clinical term, the phenomenon is frequently reported by people with ADHD to describe a sense of "If I can't see it, it doesn't exist." People with ADHD can have a hard time conceptualising things outside their current frame of reference. As one participant described it to me: "I love my husband very much, and I feel awful saying this, but when he's not around, I just don't think about him." While to a neurotypical person this might sound callous — as if the person doesn't care about the partner at all — it is often merely a symptom of ADHD and no reflection on a couple's love. Yet the inability to think of partners when they are not around can make it easier to throw caution to the wind and forget the consequences when temptation strikes.

None of this is to excuse infidelity, or suggest that ADHD removes personal responsibility. But it does ask us to look a little deeper before we judge. For women with ADHD navigating impulsivity, dopamine deficits and a brain that struggles to hold absent people present, resisting fidelity can be a considerably steeper climb — and one that is rarely acknowledged.

Find a therapist to help with ADHD

Whisman, M.A., & Snyder, D.K. (2007). Sexual infidelity in a national survey of American women: Differences in prevalence and correlates as a function of method of assessment. Journal of Family Psychology, 21(2), 147–154. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.21.2.147

Young, Klassen, et al (2023). Let's talk about sex… and ADHD: Findings from an anonymous online survey. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 20(3), 2037. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph20032037

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