Why Relationships Matter

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Stable relationships require that participants be consistently kind and truthful.

Treating others kindly in some circumstances and unkindly in others destabilizes the relationship.

Showing kindness during conflict requires that we give up our need to be validated by others.

Getting along with others in almost all situations requires two basic patterns of behavior: Always be kind and always tell the truth. If you do this consistently, you will get along well in almost any relationship. For some people, this is natural to them, and they do it without thought or effort. Individuals who struggle to get along with others often do so because they do not behave this way consistently. Understanding the obstacles to these behavior patterns and becoming consistent in these behavior patterns can be socially transformative.

Almost everyone knows how to be kind to others when conditions are favorable. The benefits of being nice to others can only be reaped when the behavior is consistent. Some struggle to be kind to others when conflicts arise, when they are frustrated, or when they do not feel well. Learning how to be kind to others under these circumstances is essential to quality relationships.

Transactional Relationships

Treating others kindly in some circumstances and unkindly in others, depending on the circumstances, is transactional. It destabilizes the relationship due to the high level of variability introduced by circumstance. When others are not sure whether or not you will be kind on any given day, it increases their anxiety and undermines their ability to trust you. They are not comfortable with you, even when you are nice, because they never know when you might treat them differently.

Treating others with kindness during conflict, frustration, or when you are not feeling well does not mean giving in to them or subordinating your needs to theirs. It also does not mean that you cannot express your feelings to others. The key to consistent, or contextual, relationships is learning how to champion your own interests during conflicts and expressing your feelings to others in ways that allow others to continue to experience you as being kind.

Kindness During Conflict

Conflicts generally stem from disagreement. Some individuals feel injured or threatened when others don’t agree with them. They often try to convince others to see things their way and become frustrated when others still do not agree. Healthy individuals are tolerant of other people’s experiences and ideas. Others may not like the same fast food or have different political opinions or religious beliefs. Healthy individuals do not experience discomfort and can get along and sometimes love others with diverse experiences, preferences, or beliefs.

The vulnerability to being threatened or hurt because other people don’t agree is often tied to the need for external validation. Insecure individuals need frequent, or sometimes constant, approval from others to feel good about themselves. When others disagree with these individuals, they feel invalidated. It is experienced as an attack on their sense of self. Someone differing from them feels like a rejection of who they are. This causes fear and frustration and often results in aggressive or unkind behavior. This damages the relationship.

Showing kindness during conflict requires that you give up your need to be validated by others. This should be replaced by self-validation. Almost everyone is capable of telling the difference between right and wrong or whether or not they are putting in their best effort or if they have good taste. Developing the confidence to prioritize self-evaluation will lead to better relationships and better overall mental health.

Why Relationships Matter

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Expressing Your Feelings Kindly

All feelings can be expressed to others kindly. Feelings of fear, anger, frustration, etc., can be shared with others kindly through direct verbal description or through respectful acts. Some individuals express emotions by acting them out on others. This can take the form of yelling at others, blaming others, or even lashing out at others. This is the essence of projection. Others are made to feel the way you do rather than told how you feel.

Expressing your feelings by using your words respectfully allows for a full range of shared emotion and allows for sustained intimacy and respect. This builds healthy relationships. Acting out emotions with others can often be unkind and hurtful. This destabilizes the relationship and takes away from the other person’s sense of safety, which undermines intimacy and compromises the relationship.

Lying to others is deceitful and disrespectful. Even a single lie results in others being unable to trust you, and they will feel wary of you. A person who is truthful 95 percent of the time is still a liar. People lie to others for many reasons. It could be used to manipulate or trick others into doing something they would not otherwise do. Lying is sometimes used to cover up shame or guilt. Sometimes people tell others lies that they tell themselves.

To optimize relationships with others, you must refrain from lying 100 percent of the time. Stable intimate relationships must be based on truthful interactions always. This doesn’t mean that you have to tell everybody everything they ask about. Truthful individuals maintain control over their privacy by answering some questions with responses such as:

I am not comfortable answering that question right now. You will have to get to know me better before I will answer that. Why do you ask that?

I am not comfortable answering that question right now.

You will have to get to know me better before I will answer that.

For emotionally healthy individuals, being kind to others and telling the truth is natural and habitual. It does not require much thought or effort. For people who frequently are unkind or untruthful, ideal socialization techniques will require some effort until they become habitual. In many cases, underlying mental health issues, such as the need to be validated by others or emotional dysregulation resulting in impulsive expressions of unprocessed feelings, will need to be addressed. Psychotherapy can expedite this process. Changing the way you treat others can change your life.

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