The Challenges of Divorce

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Misunderstood feelings can fuel conflict and estrangement after gray divorce.

Understanding does not mean agreement. It means listening without judgment.

Feeling understood brings security, relief, and stronger bonds between parents and adult children.

Listening to understand, not to reply, can reduce conflict in families of gray divorce.

The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply. —Mahatma Gandhi

When couples 50 and older end their marriage—what in known as gray divorce—parents and their adult children may have painful feelings about what's happened. When they lack the tools to communicate effectively, misunderstandings abound, and estrangement can result.

Lorraine, 58, and her husband divorced four years ago. Lorraine and her 33-year-old daughter Stephanie began conjoint therapy for help in having difficult conversations and to heal their pain-filled relationship. In preparation for their upcoming session, their assignment was to read a handout that contained the following information:

People in conflict are often mired in misunderstood feelings. Feeling misunderstood impedes our ability to understand another person. Neuroscience found that when people feel understood by others, transformative shifts occur. Feeling understood evokes three predominant emotions that are the antithesis of fear and anxiety: Satisfaction – Security – Tension Relief. Feeling understood helps us relax and mollifies defensiveness.

People in conflict are often mired in misunderstood feelings.

Feeling misunderstood impedes our ability to understand another person. Neuroscience found that when people feel understood by others, transformative shifts occur.

Feeling understood evokes three predominant emotions that are the antithesis of fear and anxiety: Satisfaction – Security – Tension Relief. Feeling understood helps us relax and mollifies defensiveness.

Listening to understand is crucial to communicating effectively.

In Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind,........

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