The Challenges of Divorce

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Misunderstood feelings can fuel conflict and estrangement after gray divorce.

Understanding does not mean agreement. It means listening without judgment.

Feeling understood brings security, relief, and stronger bonds between parents and adult children.

Listening to understand, not to reply, can reduce conflict in families of gray divorce.

The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply. —Mahatma Gandhi

When couples 50 and older end their marriage—what in known as gray divorce—parents and their adult children may have painful feelings about what's happened. When they lack the tools to communicate effectively, misunderstandings abound, and estrangement can result.

Lorraine, 58, and her husband divorced four years ago. Lorraine and her 33-year-old daughter Stephanie began conjoint therapy for help in having difficult conversations and to heal their pain-filled relationship. In preparation for their upcoming session, their assignment was to read a handout that contained the following information:

People in conflict are often mired in misunderstood feelings. Feeling misunderstood impedes our ability to understand another person. Neuroscience found that when people feel understood by others, transformative shifts occur. Feeling understood evokes three predominant emotions that are the antithesis of fear and anxiety: Satisfaction – Security – Tension Relief. Feeling understood helps us relax and mollifies defensiveness.

People in conflict are often mired in misunderstood feelings.

Feeling misunderstood impedes our ability to understand another person. Neuroscience found that when people feel understood by others, transformative shifts occur.

Feeling understood evokes three predominant emotions that are the antithesis of fear and anxiety: Satisfaction – Security – Tension Relief. Feeling understood helps us relax and mollifies defensiveness.

Listening to understand is crucial to communicating effectively.

In Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind, Shunryu Suzuki writes that true listening emerges from what he calls "beginner's mind," which is willing to remain receptive and open without preconceptions and judgment. Looping utilizes the concept of beginner's mind.

Looping is short for "closing the loop of communication." It is a technique that helps develop listening to understand. There is a speaker and a listener. The speaker must speak about only one topic at a time for no more than two to three minutes. Here are the steps:

The listener listens carefully to the speaker, does not interrupt, and does not focus on their own thoughts.

The listener repeats as closely and carefully as possible what they heard the speaker say. The listener refrains from expressing their judgments, reactions, and assumptions.

The listener repeats to the speaker the speaker's words as accurately as possible and then asks if what they repeated is accurate and complete.

The speaker confirms that what the listener repeated is accurate and complete, adds what the listener left out, and corrects anything the listener got wrong.

The listener repeats what the speaker said in number 4.

When the speaker says the listener heard them accurately, the loop of communication is closed. The listener cannot speak until they have demonstrated that they have listened accurately.

The purpose of looping is not to convince or contradict, not to take exception, nor to explain away. It is to understand. People are much more willing and able to understand one another when they feel understood.

“Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.” —David W. Augsburger

Understanding is not the same as agreement. Looping requires that each person genuinely wants to understand and listen from the heart to how they are experiencing a situation. The inner desire to understand is critical.

Stephanie and Lorraine sat diagonally across from each other on the love seats in my office.

The Challenges of Divorce

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Stephanie: Since our last session, Mom and I decided to practice the steps of looping. It isn't easy, but we made some progress. Do you agree, Mom? Lorraine: I agree that it wasn't easy. Instead of listening with a non-judging mind, I kept falling back into thinking that what Stephanie was saying was wrong and that I was right. We need your help to improve. Stephanie: Let's practice. Mom, you be the speaker, and I'll be the listener. Lorraine: Stephanie, I'm very hurt that you said you did not want me to bring Joe, my significant other, to your rehearsal dinner and wedding.

Stephanie: Since our last session, Mom and I decided to practice the steps of looping. It isn't easy, but we made some progress. Do you agree, Mom?

Lorraine: I agree that it wasn't easy. Instead of listening with a non-judging mind, I kept falling back into thinking that what Stephanie was saying was wrong and that I was right. We need your help to improve.

Stephanie: Let's practice. Mom, you be the speaker, and I'll be the listener.

Lorraine: Stephanie, I'm very hurt that you said you did not want me to bring Joe, my significant other, to your rehearsal dinner and wedding.

Lorraine turned to me and said, "I've learned to leave out, 'How could you do that to me?' I now understand that I'm blaming and attacking Stephanie. I've also learned that I need to be brief and speak about only one topic at a time. I tend to talk in ongoing paragraphs."

Stephanie: Mom, you're very hurt that I said I did not want you to bring Joe, your significant other, to my rehearsal dinner and wedding. Did I get that right? Lorraine: Yes, you did. Carol: Stephanie, since you accurately heard what your mother said, now it's your turn to speak. Stephanie: I want to lecture Mom about how she should respect my feelings. I have learned that's not listening to understand, so I'm not going to say that. Mom, I want you to honor my feelings that our wedding is about Joshua and me, not about what you want. Lorraine: You want me to honor your feelings that your wedding is about Joshua and you, not about what I want. Did I get that right? Stephanie: Yes, you did. Lorraine: Is there anything else? Stephanie: No, you got it right. Carol: What was your experience doing that exercise? Stephanie: It felt so good that Mom didn't launch into telling me how I should feel. I felt she finally heard me. Lorraine: I felt the same way. Stephanie didn't tell me how I should feel. I felt understood. It's amazing how simple it seems, although it's difficult to break my old patterns.

Stephanie: Mom, you're very hurt that I said I did not want you to bring Joe, your significant other, to my rehearsal dinner and wedding. Did I get that right?

Lorraine: Yes, you did.

Carol: Stephanie, since you accurately heard what your mother said, now it's your turn to speak.

Stephanie: I want to lecture Mom about how she should respect my feelings. I have learned that's not listening to understand, so I'm not going to say that. Mom, I want you to honor my feelings that our wedding is about Joshua and me, not about what you want.

Lorraine: You want me to honor your feelings that your wedding is about Joshua and you, not about what I want. Did I get that right?

Stephanie: Yes, you did.

Lorraine: Is there anything else?

Stephanie: No, you got it right.

Carol: What was your experience doing that exercise?

Stephanie: It felt so good that Mom didn't launch into telling me how I should feel. I felt she finally heard me.

Lorraine: I felt the same way. Stephanie didn't tell me how I should feel. I felt understood. It's amazing how simple it seems, although it's difficult to break my old patterns.

During the session, Stephanie and Lorraine continued practicing looping. Sometimes they had difficulty. They will need more practice and are committed to doing so.

When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.” —The Dalai Lama

Patient names and details changed to preserve confidentiality.

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Copyright 2026 Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D.

Friedman, G., and Himmelstein, J. Challenging Conflict: Mediation Through Understanding. (2009). Chicago, IL: American Bar Association

Suzuki, R. Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind. (2007). Hartford, CT: Weatherhill Distribution Inc.

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