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One of the recurring types of clients I see is hyper-independent people who can do and manage absolutely everything on their own. Yet, the very thing that could be the pinnacle of freedom in their life is the source of fatigue and the feeling of loneliness.

They consistently struggle to ask their partner for help or let them in their world, which causes distance and alienation within the relationship. This hyper-independence is often a sign of being exposed to smothering care early in life.

In 1966, psychologist Jack Brehm described a curious paradox: when a person's freedom is restricted in childhood, even with the best intentions in the caregiver’s mind, the child tends to grow into an adult who actively pushes help away and does things on their own(1). Even at the cost of inconvenience.

Some parents offer help by correcting their children a lot. For instance, taking over a task the child was already attempting: putting on socks, tying their shoelaces, remaking the bed after the child in a "better" way. It sends the message "you don't do things as well as I do." And this kind of care brings a competition of comparisons in which the child always loses to an adult.

Another example is deciding what’s best for their child on behalf of their child, while dismissing the child’s wishes. A teenager wants to take an art elective, but the parent enrolls them in an extra math class instead and tells them afterward: "It would be better for you."

Or a pretty common one, nagging the child about organizing his or her room and keeping it neat at all times, as if the child cannot have any autonomy of creative chaos on their own, including in their own space.

While parents carry a responsibility and teach their children how to adapt to the adult world (hopefully, and provided that they are well-adapted themselves), the incessant acts of behavioral control, guilt-induction, shaming or love-withdrawal if the child doesn't do things to a parent's liking can be masked as........

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