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Self-compassion matters.

Self-compassion can be kind, strong, confident and wise.

Compassion is not a limited resource; you're not taking any away from others when you give yourself some.

Let’s say you would like your partner or roommate to do a better job at cleaning the dishes. So you pick up a dirty dish and scream at them “What the hell do you call this? You’re pathetic, get it right next time!”

Or maybe you’re at work and your co-worker hasn’t completed their task on time. You move in close and yell “You’re an idiot! This is the tenth time this week you’ve been slow”.

I’m guessing that you don’t talk to your partner, flatmate, friend or colleague like that. And not just because it’s not polite, but also because you know that you would never get the best out of someone if you treated them like that. Maybe they’ll argue or fight back, maybe they’ll become scared of you and try to do things to keep you calmer in the future, but nobody can be their best in fight, flight or freeze mode. You won’t see them doing the best they can consistently and learning how to improve.

Yet, I’m also guessing there are times that you talk to yourself like that after you make a mistake or get behind schedule. You might berate yourself, call yourself names or start listing other unrelated things you’ve done wrong. You might talk to yourself using a tone of voice that you’d never dream of using with anyone else.

Even though we know it won’t work for other people, we still too often believe that we can bully ourselves into being better.

But spoiler alert: If it doesn’t work with others, then treating yourself like that won’t work either.

What would happen if you talked to yourself in the same way you talk to other people you care about? If you talked to yourself like someone worthy of support and love?

I invite you to take in a breath and bring to mind that critical voice that attacks you when you make a mistake. Notice the words and the tone of voice that this part of you speaks in, notice what it feels like inside your body when you feel attacked. Does it make you want to retreat or hide?

Now, imagine that sitting alongside you is a really kind version of you. They’re you with kindness turned up to 11. And they’re on your team. What do they want to say to you after you’ve made a mistake? What tone of voice do they talk to you in? What does it feel like inside when you tune into this kind part of you?

This time, sitting next to you is a really strong version of you, and they’re also on your team. Listen to what they say to you on a bad day, and notice the tone of voice that part of you speaks in, see if you can also notice what that feels like inside your body.

Then, imagine that there’s a confident you right by you, reminding you of what really matters to you and believing that you can do it. What does that part say to you and how do they say it?

Next, bring to mind a wise you and be curious about what they say to you when things don’t go to plan. Can they help you see a bigger picture or some perspective? How do they get this message across to you and what does it feel like inside when you hear it?

Finally, I invite you to imagine that sitting alongside you, shoulder to shoulder, is a compassionate version of you. Compassionate You is kind, strong, confident and wise, and they’re on your team. Spend a minute listening to what Compassionate You wants you to know about you and about what happened. Maybe they say something supportive like ‘This is hard and you’ve got this; let’s try again’. Or maybe your compassionate voice can draw on things that you’ve heard before from someone compassionate in your life, such as a parent, grandparent or friend.

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See if you can also notice what the compassionate part of you wants to say to the critical part of you. It might notice how the critical part constantly expects you to get everything right, which isn’t a bad thing, but its methods aren’t working. You can’t get the best out of someone by bullying them.

Listen to what this compassionate voice says and be curious about whether it changes the way you approach tasks or helps you bounce back when something doesn’t go to plan. Does it help you get closer to where you want to be faster? Does it help you notice where you really want to get to and what matters to you and can help put things in perspective?

Compassion is a muscle, and like any other muscle, it’s use it or lose it. You can’t go from no exercise to running a marathon. Similarly, if you want to be able to treat yourself with compassion on the really hard days, you need to first practice using it on all other days. Often people find it helpful to pick a time each day, maybe while brushing their teeth or on their morning commute, to tune into their compassionate voice and be curious about what it wants them to notice in that moment. Then on days when you need it the most, that voice is more accessible.

Best of all, compassion isn’t a finite resource that can run out. There’s enough in the world for everybody. You can give some to yourself without taking any compassion away from everyone else that you care about.

I hope you all have a really compassionate day.

Sedley, B. (2025). Holding the Heavy Stuff: Making Space for Critical Thoughts and Painful Emotions. Hachette

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