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For every behavior you do, there are secondary gains and losses.

If you keep repeating a behavior, your secondary gains are stronger than your secondary losses.

Even if you decide to change the behavior, you first have to own your secondary gains.

Co-authored by Galit Romanelli

I'm supervising Abe, an older couples therapist. In between cases, he shares that a few years back he had a gastric band put in. But he still finds himself eating chicken nuggets at midnight.

"I know it's not good for me," he says. "But I can't stop it. I'm addicted."

Because he's a therapist, I ask if he wants to work on this behavior systemically. He says sure.

Through a systems perspective, in every situation, dynamic, or behavior, you have secondary gains and losses for your action. Whether that is a dynamic in your relationship, a pattern in work, or eating chicken nuggets at midnight. The losses are the toll you pay for your actions. The secondary gains are what your actions give you.

Abe goes straight to the losses. "I'm unhealthy. I get heartburn. I'm disappointed in myself. I don't sleep. I have no willpower. I'm weak and pathetic. I'm an impostor. How can I preach to my clients to make changes when I have no control over myself? I feel like a hypocrite."

This is what we call violining: a long, loud solo about your losses while you cast yourself as a helpless victim who has no control and no agency.

Our working assumption is that no one is a victim. You always have a choice. So I tell........

© Psychology Today