Fred, the World’s Worst Tourist, saw the bartender at the Blue Lagoon Resort clutch his stomach, gasp “food poisoning,” and flee into the night.

“I’ll take over,” Fred announced to his wife, Rachel. “All you do is crack open beers and pour wine. Easy-peasy! Besides, I took a bartending course.”

“Twenty years ago,” Rachel muttered.

Ignoring the “Staff Only” sign, Fred slid behind the bamboo counter.

In his mind, he wasn’t a middle-manager from Toronto (his co-workers called him “muddle-manager”). He was Tom Cruise in the 1988 cinematic masterpiece, “Cocktail.” He was the king of flair.

“What can I get you, folks?” Fred asked to a terrified-looking couple.

“Um, t-two piña coladas, p-please,” the husband said.

Fred grimaced. He had forgotten that colourful tropical concoctions were in high demand in the tropics.

He grabbed a bottle of rum. He attempted a casual behind-the-back blind........

© Peterborough Examiner