The president is looking to acquire Cuba, but not for the reasons most think.

The gold-leafed curtains of the Oval Office parted just enough for the 47th President of the United States to squint out at the Rose Garden. Donald Trump wasn’t looking at the flowers, though. He was looking south. Way south. Past Mar-a-Lago, past the jet skis of Key West, and right into the humid, cigar-scented heart of the Caribbean.

“It’s too small,” Trump muttered, gesturing vaguely toward the mainland United States. “The boy is six-foot-nine, maybe seven feet by Tuesday. He’s outgrown the tri-state area. He needs an island. A big island. A fixer-upper with good bones and very, very high ceilings.”

And so began the most ambitious real estate acquisition in the history of the Western Hemisphere. The plan? To acquire Cuba. Not for sugar, not for cigars, and certainly not for geopolitical stability. No, this was a father-son project. This was “Trump Eyes Up Cuba for Barron.”

The President sat at the Resolute Desk, which was currently covered in architectural renderings of what looked like a solid gold Malecón. To his left stood a nervous group of advisors; to his right, a scale model of Havana where every 1950s Chevy had been replaced with a custom-built SUV capable of hauling a teenager who was essentially two skyscrapers in a suit.

“Look at the coastline,” Trump said, tracing the perimeter of Cuba with a Sharpie. “It’s phenomenal. It’s got a lot of potential, but frankly, it’s been mismanaged. Terrible management. The Castros? No vision. They had the best beachfront property in the world and they did nothing with it. No golf courses. No towers. Just revolution. You can’t eat revolution, folks.”

The logic was simple, at least in the President’s mind. Barron was a quiet kid, a digital-age prince who needed room to stretch. New York was too noisy, Florida was too swampy, and the White House felt like a “very nice, very historic dorm room.” Cuba, however, was the perfect size for a starter kingdom.

“We’ll call it ‘The Barron Reef,'” Trump proclaimed. “He likes the water. He likes the privacy. And he’s so tall, he can basically wade across the Florida Straits if the ferry is running late.”

The diplomatic mission to Havana was unlike anything the State Department had ever seen. Instead of........

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