Hmmm … tax cuts do not necessarily work … what to do? what to do?

For decades, political scientists, economists, and anyone who has ever accidentally glanced at a C-SPAN broadcast past 11:00 PM have understood a fundamental law of American physics: the national debt is a quantum phenomenon.

When a Democrat occupies the White House, the deficit behaves like a hungry, multi-headed dragon breathing radioactive fire directly onto Main Street, threatening to plunge the republic into a Mad Max-style wasteland of wheelbarrows full of worthless currency and roving bands of artisanal kombucha brewers. In this state, Republican lawmakers become incandescent with grief. Their veins bulge; their voices drop into prophetic, thunderous octaves; and they clutch copies of the Constitution to their chests as if defending a fortress against barbarian hordes.

Yet, the moment a Republican takes the oath of office, a miraculous transmutation occurs. The dragon vanishes. The deficit dissolves into a gentle, harmless morning mist—a mere accounting abstraction, a rounding error in the magnificent, shimmering ledger of supply-side economics. Trillions of dollars in tax cuts are passed with the cheerful serenity of a suburban couple buying a timeshare, and debt ceases to be a moral crisis; it becomes a whimsical lifestyle choice, a bold testament to American optimism.

In a twist that has left political pundits scrambling for their smelling salts and dictionary definitions of “irony,” a peculiar tremor is rippling through the marble corridors of Congress. Members of the Grand Old Party—the eternal guardians of the sacred flame of low taxation—are beginning to whisper a terrifying, blasphemous phrase. They are gazing into the yawning abyss of the national balance sheet, clearing their throats, and suggesting that perhaps, just perhaps, the government might need to look at—whisper it softly so the ghosts of Ronald Reagan and Grover Norquist don’t claw their way out of the earth—revenue enhancements.

The Anatomy of a Convenient Epiphany

It is a well-documented medical phenomenon that the conservative brain undergoes a dramatic shift in ocular anatomy depending on who is sitting behind the Resolute Desk. When a Democrat is in charge, the GOP vision is microscopic. They can spot a $50 wasteful expenditure on a study about the mating habits of Panamanian tree frogs from three miles away in a snowstorm. But when a Republican is in charge, that same vision becomes deeply astigmatic, smoothing over multi-trillion-dollar holes in the budget like a soft-focus Hollywood lens on a 1990s sitcom star.

And now, behold the modern miracle of legislative foresight. As Congress grapples with impending fiscal cliffs, expiring tax provisions, and a national debt that looks like a high score on a malfunctioning arcade game, a select few Republicans are experiencing a sudden, miraculous recovery of their long-term vision.

“We have to look at all options,” lawmakers murmur in hushed tones, sweating slightly under the studio lights of Sunday morning talk shows. “We have to be serious about the math.”

The math. What a delightfully quaint concept. It is the exact same math that was completely non-existent three years ago when the party was gleefully drafting legislation, but suddenly, lo and behold, 2 plus 2 equals an existential crisis.

As historical precedent dictates, the Republican relationship with the national debt has always been strictly episodic—a seasonal affective disorder that flares up exclusively when they do not hold the checkbook. Back in the wild, carefree days of the mid-2010s, as the party prepared to ram through a massive package of corporate tax cuts, the philosophical defense of the deficit was tossed aside with the casual grace of a teenager discarding a wrapper at a fast-food drive-thru.

Who could forget the immortal wisdom dropped by former Vice President Dick Cheney during an earlier era of GOP deficit........

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