Who Am I Beyond Dad? The Identity Shift More Fathers Are Opening Up About

Psychologists explain why holding onto your identity isn't just good for you, but for your children too.

Parents editor at HuffPost UK

We often hear about how becoming a mum can impact identity – just this year, a major survey of 4,000 women by Peanut found nine in 10 mums (93%) said they’d experienced a “meaningful change” in identity after becoming a parent.

More than half (59%) said they felt like a completely different person after having a baby.

But compared with motherhood, fatherhood and identity seem to receive less research attention and much less public discussion.

In online forums, some report a sense of feeling lost or no longer recognising themselves after having children. One dad described feeling “like a husk” of the person he used to be. Another described not having the energy for himself and feeling guilt over letting his “career, hobbies and friends slip”.

Taking to Reddit more recently, a dad-of-three opened up about having the “realisation” that he doesn’t seem to have an identity outside of keeping his family running.

“Somewhere along the way I became the person who remembers everything. The grocery list. The camp forms. The appointments. The lunches. The laundry. The bills,” he said.

“None of those things are who I am. But together they’ve become what I do all day, every day.”

He added that he loves his family and loves being a dad, “but sometimes I wonder who I am when nobody needs anything from me”.

“I struggle with this too. It’s hard,” said one of many replies.

Another parent chimed in: “I went out for drinks while my family was away last week and I realised I forgot how to do that ... I have my work life where I run that place, and my home life where I run that place, but outside of those two things, I have a hard time existing.”

One parent noted they “worry” who they will be in 20 years when........

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