Every time my wife and I go shopping these days, I’ll wait until her back is turned and then slip some tins of repellent awfulness into the trolley: breakfast-in-a-can, a jellied haggis, some form of luncheon meat made undoubtedly from the lips and fundaments of cows.

She’ll return, laden with fresh produce, spot the ghastly haul and say: ‘You’re prepping again aren’t you?’ It’s like she’s caught me, in flagrante, carrying out some shameful private deed.

In the past, I’ve filmed and interviewed preppers, returned to the editing suite and oh how I laughed at these gullible, boggle-eyed conspiracists and their sweaty paranoia. Now, I’m becoming one of them.

For those who haven’t yet had their brain boiled by fear, apprehension and a news cycle which seems composed entirely of maniacs hellbent on mass death, prepping is preparing for the apocalypse. I’m not one of your ‘Jesus is Coming get ready for the Rapture’ types. I’m more a ‘these nutters have nuclear bombs, AI might turn us all into paperclips, and the world is on fire’ fella.

I was tipped over the edge when Angela Eagle - the UK environment secretary - told us to start stockpiling food and water. The National Audit Office says our food supply chains are at risk due to cyber-attack and the climate crisis. The Cabinet Office is planning a public awareness campaign telling us to prepare for the worst.

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For a Cold War kid, this isn’t fun. I’m triggered. I don’t want to spend my final hours re-enacting the Protect and Survive manual, dying under my kitchen table covered in atomic ash, or eaten by my neighbours mutated by radiation. I’ve seen them barbecue, it’s not a pretty sight.

Recently, I’ve found myself drawn to prepper........

© Herald Scotland