The holidays are supposed to be a time of joyful celebration and warm family gatherings. But unfortunately, some families make joy and warmth more difficult than others. Certain family dynamics can make holiday get-togethers emotional and relational landmines.

Family friction doesn’t mean you should skip holiday gatherings altogether, though. We can find our families challenging and still love them and want to spend time together. Also, it’s usually specific people who are tough to be around. Why let them ruin time with the family members we want to be with?

It is a good idea to start preparing for those gatherings well before they happen. We asked family therapists to share strategies people can start implementing early in the fall to make the holidays more enjoyable, and they shared their thoughts.

Set your expectations

“Gaining clarity about your expectations of others, as well as your values, boundaries, and triggers—this is where the real magic happens and meaningful personal transformation begins,” says Lindsey Rae Ackerman, LMFT, chief clinical officer at Your Behavioral Health. “Grounding yourself in your values can help guide how you navigate difficult situations, regardless of how others show up.”

Ackerman says that setting realistic expectations of others can be helpful. However, be aware that it might also bring up some feelings of sadness. “You may come to the realization that a family member is simply not capable of showing up in the way you truly need them to,” she says.

Expectations should be realistic, says Dr. Megan Oed, a licensed family therapist in Indiana with her own practice. “Don’t expect your crazy aunt to suddenly be calm and rational. Be prepared for familiar patterns to play out again. A lot of emotional stress gets added when we expect big changes from people, especially when those changes don’t happen. This doesn’t mean to go full pessimist. It means balance between what you’d like to see happen and what will likely happen. Decide how you’ll manage both possible outcomes: the ideal and the no-so-ideal.”

Aim for a ‘good enough’ holiday

As in Dr. Oed’s example, setting expectations also means knowing which ones to let go of. When family dynamics are messy or complicated, we can’t go into holiday gatherings with perfectionistic ideals.

“Things can be messy, imperfect, and still deeply meaningful,”........

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