Apparently, pet-sitting now requires chicken, brown rice, color-coded vegetables, and security clearance.

I am currently looking after two of the most precious dogs on earth. This is not hyperbole. They are a boy-and-girl pair of such sweetness that within approximately twelve minutes of meeting them, I was prepared to alter my will. They are affectionate, gentle, funny, and, apparently, perfectly healthy. They are also fat. Not slightly portly or “big-boned”, nor carrying a little winter weight. These dogs have prospered.

Their prosperity is particularly impressive because they do not live on the sort of diet one normally associates with canine decadence. There are no cheeseburgers, no illicit biltong and, as far as I can establish, no midnight raids on the rubbish bin. Twice a day, I prepare boiled chicken, long-grain brown rice, and a vegetable. But not merely a vegetable. A different-colored vegetable every day. There is a system. Naturally, there is a system.

I have begun to feel less like a pet-sitter and more like the executive chef at a wellness retreat for Labradors with private banking. Today, perhaps, orange. Tomorrow, green. Presumably, by Friday, we will have completed the rainbow and achieved enlightenment. I am waiting to see whether purple requires aubergine or whether the dogs simply receive certificates of completion.

I was given detailed instructions before the assignment. Very detailed instructions. This does not bother me in principle. If you entrust somebody with your animals, you are entitled to explain how you want them cared for. I am equally ridiculous about my own cats. If somebody were looking after Purrcy, Petunia, and Sammi, I would probably leave instructions comprehensive enough to permit the sitter to apply for guardianship.

Animals cannot tell us what is wrong. Their routines, medication, food, and safety matter, and I understand anxious pet owners because I am one. What I understand rather less well is discovering that I appear to have been placed under........

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