I thought that maybe being in a wheelchair would stop my louche lunching ways, but somewhat to my own surprise (though not that of my mates, I’d wager), this isn’t the case. ‘You push – I’ll pay!’ has become my battle cry. But as I am wheeled about at this time of year, a pucker of irritation repeatedly flickers across my features. Pumpkin this, pumpkin that – all leading inevitably to the monstrosity that is pumpkin spiced latte.

The final straw in my deciding that pumpkin spiced lattes are utterly, well, deplorable was when the ghastly Hillary Clinton described herself as a fan – ‘until I saw how many calories there are in them’. Soz, Hills, but it’ll take more than losing a bit of weight to keep a dog like yours on the porch. That’s the point about pumpkins – they’re not chocolate, which makes people think: ‘Sod the calories!’ If they didn’t exist, nobody would have bothered to invent them. Where do pumpkins go for the rest of the year, when they aren’t being wheeled out to remind us that it’s autumn, grinning inanely? I can only think of one good thing about them, and that’s a joke they once inspired from me; when a young friend asked me if I’d ever sampled pumpkin soup, I replied instantly: ‘No – I don’t eat anything with a face.’ (For those who don’t know, this is a rather self-righteous vegetarian saying.)

What I would like to do is punch the next pumpkin face I see – and I’ve been seeing them for a long time now, as Halloween merchandise often hits the shelves in mid-summer. This year ‘Parade’ informed me that there’s now a thing called ‘Summerween’: ‘Summerween is a playful blend of summer vibes and Halloween thrills. Imagine sipping your favourite icy drink while surrounded by glowing pumpkins… it’s the best of both worlds! This quirky trend is catching on, giving Halloween enthusiasts an extra reason to celebrate and decorate months in advance. For some, it’s a specific day of celebrating Halloween early – usually on either 22 June or 31........

© The Spectator