I was walking my dog when a WhatsApp message and photo came through from Simon, an old school friend of more than 50 years. His kids had sent him a picture of a man who had turned up unexpectedly at the family home. The accompanying message said simply: ‘Your friend Andrew from Epsom College is here?’ Simon, who was out shopping, didn’t recognise him. Did I?

No, I replied, but he looks familiar. But then again he was white, rotund and greying and thus a 99 per cent DNA match for one of our social circle: i.e. a well-fed 60-something with a 20-something handicap. The more I studied the photo the more worried I got. For Simon and his family. Who on earth was this mysterious visitor standing in the middle of his kitchen? What did he want?

He looked like a smug, entitled Boomer – takes one to know one perhaps – so my first thought was ‘conman’. A Home Counties Boden catalogue crypto-flogging Tinder swindler perhaps? Then, mindful of scary news stories about intruders, and having seen a slew of recent dramas like The Housemaid, The Girlfriend and The Guest – all featured unexpected house guests and all ended badly and bloodily – I felt concerned enough to call Simon.

Was it a deranged neighbour with a grievance and an AK-47 in his Range Rover? He looked normal – but then nut jobs often do. In The Housemaid, for example – spoiler........

© The Spectator