The season is here and at Ascot last week, rather than worrying about what hat to wear, the real pros were working out what drug to take. After a series of cubicle swabs, newspaper reports left no doubt as to racegoers’ consumption at ‘As-ket’: the coke consumed in the car parks alone probably financed the construction of at least three Medellin villas. It also explains the success of that ubiquitous pale blue Oliver Brown waistcoat – lined with two perfectly-sized little pockets. 

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Dealers’ menus, sent by WhatsApp and laden with emojis, reveal the astonishing array of exotic substances on offer to punters. We no longer live in an era of poorly cling-filmed coke (which turned out to be mainly speed) and hash pellets that look like rabbit poo. The Albanians have cornered and refined the market. What’s more, they respond well to a plummy accent – the sure sign of a return client. In grams cut per card, Coutts must rank near the top.   

Of course, there are certain types who insist that their substance of choice is perfect for every occasion, whether that be the cokeheads whose nostrils twitch when asked at Tesco if they’d ‘like a bag’, the stoner who says ‘they’re not addicted’ or even those who insist that a half-hour train journey requires a warm rattly can of John Smith’s.   

Yet for most normal people, a one-size-fits-all approach makes them........

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