A wedding is when two people celebrate their love by financially ambushing everyone they know.

I have not attended many weddings. In part, this is because I never know what to give the bride and groom apart from a toaster worth more than my college education, so I generally refuse invitations.

Besides, the bride’s rich friends can probably buy her better toasters, toasters that not only heat bread to the perfect shade of caramelized brown, but also recite poetry, file taxes, and write humor columns.

The groom’s friends will buy him something practical, like a used convertible with leather seats, then immediately drive it cross-country to the wedding with the roof up while it’s raining.

This is actually useful. It psychologically prepares........

© The Saratogian