An unexpected thing has happened: I, we, have had a baby. A surprise change-of-life baby! That wasn’t part of our empty nest plan, but sometimes fate decides and you’re dragged along for the ride. You probably want details: well, we’re not sure of the sex, but it’s probably female because of the incubation temperature and the fact it weighs 17g. OK, it’s a baby tortoise.

Our new arrival came as a complete shock. Our two female tortoises sometimes lay eggs, but none have ever been fertile. One male is a foul sex pest who molests them tirelessly, but we assumed that the fact he’s a quarter of the ladies’ size created insuperable, er, logistical problems (we often we find him flailing on his back, because they’ve tired of his squeaking, humping antics and flipped him). The other is larger, but lower-key: he likes being alone and chomping dandelions (I know who I’d rather was the daddy).

My husband puts the eggs in a homemade incubator anyway, just in case, and last week bolted out of the garage in wide-eyed panic shouting: “Baby!” I have never........

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