Chances are, as you’re reading this, your bunker is fully stocked, your doors are locked, and you’re peeking at your computer screen through gaps between your fingers.

After all, it’s election day on Tuesday. Once again, democracy will be tested – like Beavis & Butthead taking the SATs. I’m not looking forward to it, and I’m sure you aren’t either.

I’m old enough to remember when American elections, and especially the once-sleepy midterms, were a placid affair that anyone with a calculator and a friend at the Associated Press could predict.

Now, it feels like anything can and will happen this week – from delayed results and slow counts to Donald Trump sending in the DC Comics Suicide Squad to your local polling place. That’s all we need, John Cena checking your ID before you vote.

It’s enough to make you crawl up into a ball and beg for mommy. But fear is a passive emotion, one that leaves a person paralyzed and incapable of action.

My preference is for the fully formed anger of the middle-aged curmudgeon. A shaken fist and a choice expletive is healthier than babbling for hours in your panic room. So, in lieu of a voter guide telling you how to fill out your ballot, here’s a list of all the most irritating, confounding and downright stupid things to scream about on Tuesday.

The Cheesecake Factory discourse

During a recent campaign stop, the former president Barack Obama compared the aesthetics of the recent Trump-led White House renovations with a Cheesecake Factory. Not only am I annoyed that this is even a talking point during a crucial campaign, I also resent the comparison being made. I’d rather eat at a Cheesecake Factory than the White House, any day of the week. I have to assume Bill Maher........

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