I have identified my worst character trait. In such a crowded field, this has been no easy task. This one wins out because it’s two equally unappealing traits rolled into one. They both concern food, or rather eating. Number one: I cannot stop coveting what others have on their plates. Number two: I cannot bear to give anyone anything off my own plate. The hypocrisy is as unattractive as a half-eaten pot of yoghurt covered in mould.

A Russian study into whether “moral transgression might enhance gustatory pleasure” has concluded that it does. French fries were fed to participants in a number of ways, one of which saw one person eating another person’s chips. Deliciously, these (identical) chips were considered by the thieves to be altogether nicer. It would also be nice if I could cite this as the logic behind my desire to pilfer from the plates of others, but for me it’s not always about the taste, or hunger. I just want it for the sake of wanting it, like a dog looks at you longingly when you’re eating even if you’re eating something the dog wouldn’t want.

One lunchtime at school I was sitting with a friend who, like all my friends, ate more slowly than me. My plate was empty while he proceeded steadily, at a sensible pace, enjoying his food. I asked him for a chip. He gave me a chip. I asked him for a bit of sausage. He gave me a bit of sausage. And so it went on.

I always did this. It’s a miracle anyone ever sat with me. But on........

© The Guardian