Roll up! Roll up! In my hand and in limited supply is this rare miracle snake oil which the ancient Chinese discovered could cure aches and pains faster than you can say abracadabra. We've got a variety of snake oils on offer here today but you'll have to act fast because they're flying off the shelves.

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For money pains, you can't go past our Super Duper Snake Oil. It's guaranteed to make you feel richer today because you're not saving for tomorrow. Can't pay the rent? This blend fixes that by releasing some of that money tied up for your retirement. Drooling over that new Ford Ranger, dirt bike or latest PlayStation console? A bottle of this will get you there in no time.

Worried about the sceptics? Don't be. Ignore their warnings that Super Duper will add to inflation next month and to the country's pension bill down the track. Who cares about future side-effects?

[Turns to the assistant and whispers, "And we'll be long gone by then anyway."]

This next oil, Smokin' Joe's Jungle Juice, is formulated to beat those cravings for a cancer stick. Guaranteed to bring down the price of durries, it's going to make smoking accessible to all.

No need to shuffle into that dodgy tobacconist or servo and ask about under-the-counter Manchesters, looking over your shoulder wondering whether that bloke behind you is an undercover rozza. Smokin' Joe's fixes all that by removing nasty taxes collected to pay for the health care of people like you who enjoy a durry first, second and third thing in the morning and then get emphysema in old age.

[Turns to the assistant and whispers, "And we'll be long gone by then anyway."]

And here in my hand is Matey's Bonzer Mono Oil, guaranteed to calm all those feelings of insecurity, envy and distrust of everyone who looks different, speaks different and eats different to you. We know it works because North Korea and Communist China have been taking it for years and look how strong they've become.

A bottle of this stuff will make Australia great again. It will take your mind off your thinning hair, that troublesome paunch and faded Foo Fighters T-shirt that mark you down as a disgruntled, angry Gen-Xer. If it means there's no health or aged care workers, delivery drivers, IT specialists, small business operators, people to pick the fruit, clean the hotel rooms and deliver the takeaway butter chicken you've ordered, who cares? We'll burn that bridge when we come to it.

[Turns to the assistant and whispers, "And we'll be long gone by then anyway."]

If your energy levels need a boost, you can't go past our Nut Zero blend. It will keep the coal burning in power stations for years to come, if even the owners don't want to because........

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