One of the most harmful concepts of pop psychology is construing love in terms of getting your needs met. Here’s an actual quote from a therapist and author:

“Getting your needs met is a fundamental human right.”

This unfortunate statement conflates preferences and rights, reducing desire to a mere need. It reflects the narcissism of our times.

A perceived emotional need is a preference or desire that you've decided must be gratified to maintain equilibrium; that is, you can’t be well or feel whole without it.

The perception of need begins with a rise in emotional intensity: You feel more strongly about being with someone or having that person behave the way you want them to behave. As the intensity increases, it can feel like you “need” it, for one compelling reason. It’s the same emotional process as a biological need.

You can observe the process by planting your face in a pillow. Emotional intensity rises just before you struggle to breathe. When emotion suddenly rises, the brain confuses preferences with biological needs. In other words, the perception of........

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