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Questions people often ask sexual trauma survivors can add to their pain and make them feel responsible.

Understanding sexual assault and abuse may take time, especially if the perpetrator was once trusted.

Instead of asking why a survivor stayed silent, a better question is: What made it so hard for them to speak?

Lately, I’ve been thinking about the ongoing conversations about sexual assault and the expectations people have for survivors after trauma. When a case becomes public, it often elicits differing opinions and misconceptions about what survivors experience and how they cope afterward.

As someone who survived childhood sexual abuse, I understand how these misconceptions can affect healing. When a survivor speaks up about sexual assault or childhood abuse, we often hear questions that make us feel like we are to blame, such as:

Why didn’t you tell someone?

Why did you keep talking to the person who hurt you?

Why didn’t you leave or fight back?

Although I heard these questions firsthand, I didn’t fully realize how harmful they can be until I started my clinical training working with trauma survivors. These questions come up not only in conversations about survivors but also from survivors themselves.

Many people may not realize how much these questions can hurt, so we need to be mindful of how we speak to a survivor, because even if we don’t mean to, our questions can make them feel blamed. It takes extreme courage for survivors to talk about something they may have carried for years, and the last thing they need is to feel like they have to defend themselves.

Instead of asking, “Why didn't they come forward sooner?” we should ask, “What made it so hard for them to tell?”

Sarah is not a real person. Her story is based on a combination of real clinical experiences.

Sarah was drinking with........

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