Why Relationships Matter

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Sutting down emotionally is a way of coping with underlying issues often learned in childhood.

The common causes are feeling overwhelmed, fear of conflict, or self-criticism and blame.

Solutions are broadcasting emotions, setting timeframes, making statements, and addressing the causes.

In my experience, there are two types of people who shut down. Sam is the first type: If he and his partner get into an argument, it often doesn’t go very far before Sam goes offline—stops listening, stops talking, and is clearly tuned out. But if the argument stops and he is given time to recover—minutes, hours, maybe the next day—he can re-engage.

But Allie is the second type: When she gets annoyed by something her partner Jake does, she doesn’t snap or start an argument. Instead, she pulls away, and a wall goes up that Jake can sense. If he asks what’s wrong, Allie is likely to deny that anything is wrong. If Jake presses harder and asks more questions, things get worse, with Allie pulling away even more. Sometimes, several days later, Allie will come around and........

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