Why Relationships Matter

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Betrayal in relationships is practically inevitable and occurs on many levels.

Self-betrayal often stems from over-accommodating, leading to resentment and disconnection.

Repairing betrayal involves clarifying desires and values, and openly communicating them.

True relationship repair happens when betrayal is recognized as normal, not as a rare exception.

Once we say “I will," the last thing we imagine will happen does eventually happen, and it happens on four different levels. In a committed relationship, we will betray ourselves and our partners, and our partners will betray themselves and betray us. Because we’re convinced that our thriving relationships are immune to betrayal, betrayal becomes highly disruptive. Actually, the exact opposite is true. Maintaining a pristine record of faithfulness and loyalty is not an option. In fact, it would be a quixotic undertaking.

What can be said about betraying ourselves also applies to our partners betraying themselves. Hence, we are addressing two levels of betrayal. Self-betrayal occurs when we are unfaithful in honoring our heart’s desire or our personal values. Such betrayal occurs when we are excessively accommodating of our partner’s desires and wishes, or they are too eager to support our needs. That is, one of us is too eager to please the other at the cost of forgetting about ourselves. It’s all too easy to overlook our partners’ self-betrayals because there is less conflict and more harmony and cooperation when only one person is emotionally engaged in the relationship. However, it’s very easy for the person betraying themselves to become resentful and passive-aggressive, and to blame their partner for controlling the........

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