Why Relationships Matter

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Partners don't need to share a spiritual practice, but they do need common values.

It's key for partners to maintain autonomy in addition to shared goals and interests.

Almost every relationship has aspects of codependency that can be explored mindfully and creatively.

Devon and Nico Hase are an extraordinary couple whose work combines ancient Buddhist wisdom with psychological practices in an irreverent, no-nonsense style that sets them apart on the mindfulness scene. As life partners and meditation teachers, they're the authors of two books: How Not to Be a Hot Mess: A Buddhist Survival Guide for Modern Life, and another to be published this month, This Messy Gorgeous Love: A Buddhist Guide to Lasting Partnership. Nico, who has a PhD in counseling psychology and has studied extensively in the Zen, Insight, and Tibetan Buddhist traditions. Devon is a graduate of the Insight Meditation Society's Teacher Training Program, has practiced meditation rigorously for the past 25 years, and teaches internationally. I wanted to speak to them about their new book and how mindfulness impacts coupling and love, a topic they are deeply familiar with.

Mark Matousek: A lot of spiritual practitioners are involved with people who don't share their passion for self-realization. How do you recommend navigating "mixed marriages" of this kind?

Devon Hase: You don’t necessarily have to share the same passion for awakening, but there are other things that should be in place. Shared values, for example, and something of a shared worldview. The practices that we talk about in This Messy Gorgeous Love, such as deep listening or the checking-in process, can be approached in very different ways. For example, if both people value the connection the practices offer, they can engage with them using different intentions. Joanna Macy, who was married for a very long time, used to say that she was able to stay with her partner because she viewed him as a wonder and as a mystery.........

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