The Fundamentals of Sex

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Long-term partners rarely want the same amount of sex at exactly the same times.

"Mercy sex" doesn't have to mean intercourse, and it doesn't have to mean unwanted sex.

A sexual gift can be loving when it is freely chosen and given openly.

If we stop meeting intimate needs, technology is poised to do that for us.

I've been thinking about the term "mercy sex." It's not a very appealing phrase. It sounds like someone reluctantly giving in, perhaps rolling their eyes and waiting for it to be over. People bring up mercy sex in my therapy room pretty regularly. They tell me they don't want to give mercy sex, and they don't want to receive it, either. Of course, nobody wants sex that feels dutiful, resentful, or emotionally absent. But there is also something idealistic about the expectation that two people, particularly two people who have been together for years, will want the same amount of sex at the same times. In fact, usually, they won't.

Think about all the other things we do for people we love that we don't particularly feel like doing. We go to family gatherings, load the dishwasher, give back rubs, run errands, walk the dog, and sit through a television show we would never choose ourselves. Generally, we see these things as part of loving someone.........

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