Why Relationships Matter

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Taking a side with someone in conflict can backfire and make them want to do the opposite.

Be aligned with the other person’s conflict rather than a position to stay out of their internal battle.

Helping someone in conflict who is headed down the wrong path involves stepping back from our own agenda.

An effective strategy is to respect both sides of the person’s dilemma and reflect it back to them.

When we witness people in our lives headed down the wrong path, it’s a natural instinct to try to get them to make the right decision. But taking a side, even on their behalf, can backfire, causing people to argue, and do, the opposite.

A more effective strategy involves a tuned-in, emotionally regulated stance, releasing ourselves from being invested in controlling the outcome and refraining from logic, arguments, or attempts to actively persuade (Di Bartolomeo et al., 2024).

Jenny, 21, feared loss and unpredictability. When her boyfriend, Dan, was unreliable or unsupportive, she became distraught, questioning whether to break up. At other times, Jenny denied these negative aspects of him, particularly when talking to her mom, who clearly opposed their relationship. When Jenny was upset and confided in her mom, her mom would say, “He’s not good enough for you” or “You should be with someone nicer.” But such comments made Jenny defend Dan, creating conflict instead with her mom.

Why did her mom’s approach have the opposite effect on Jenny, drawing her closer to Dan?

The Danger of Compartmentalized Internal Struggles

A part of Jenny recognized the problem in her relationship, but she hid that part from herself. Self-knowledge can be compartmentalized and kept out of awareness, or shift in and out of the foreground at different times, as it did........

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