We automatically do (or don’t do) things due to habit, despite our intentions.

Common beliefs about behavior change can lead to self-critical responses that make it even harder to change.

Attention to context, repeated practice, kindness to ourselves, and starting small can help.

We all have activities we wish we did more often (or at all), along with things we wish we did less (or never). We may want to exercise more, drink less alcohol, eat healthier, reach out to loved ones more, make more time for our hobbies, read more, or scroll social media less. Or we may want to listen intentionally to others, engage in acts of kindness, or express gratitude more readily. Often we may recall our aspirations around these, briefly commit to making changes—then quickly find ourselves reverting to old habits or inertia.

People, ourselves included, tend to see these failures as a lack of willpower or motivation. If we only tried harder, wanted it more, had more discipline, surely we could make these changes stick! And yet we don’t have more than we have of those things—so we end up feeling frustrated with and critical of ourselves.

And then, of course, our moods worsen, our motivation wanes further, and we find it even harder to make the changes we desire. Rather than continually trying harder and beating ourselves up, we can instead apply........

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