Conflict follows a cycle. Learning these phases can help you choose the right response.

The first step is to figure out how to regulate yourself. Breathing and self-talk can help.

De-escalate others through acknowledgment, curiosity, and summarizing statements.

Hostile interactions rarely come out of nowhere. It starts small. Someone is triggered, and people escalate. The good news? Once you understand the pattern, you can interrupt it.

Most conflict follows five phases: a trigger moment, escalation, crisis, recovery, and a post-crisis crash. Knowing where you are in that cycle can change how you respond and help navigate whether the situation gets worse or better.

During a trigger moment, something sets a person off. It may be obvious or subtle. A comment lands wrong. A moment opens old wounds. A need goes unmet. At this stage, the emotional temperature is rising, but still manageable. Some may choose to get curious in the moment. Others may feel they were intentionally slighted or get triggered themselves.

In the latter scenario, we enter the next phase: escalation. Emotions intensify, voices get louder, words get more blunt. This is where many interactions go off the rails, often because both people react instead of respond. In reaction mode, people typically go into flight, fight, or freeze. Those in flight or freeze can help reduce the hostile interaction, even if just temporarily. But those who go into fight will keep the escalation going—and here is where we hit the crisis phase.

The crisis phase is the peak. In this phase, pretty much all rational thinking is gone and emotion takes over. At this point, trying to use logic, solutions, and facts will rarely help. We need to bring the tension down before we can get to resolution.

And when things eventually slow down, the recovery phase begins. People begin to regain some control but still may not be able to think of solutions without feeling triggered back into crisis.

And, finally, in the post-crisis phase, people may feel fatigue, embarrassment, or regret. These emotions may cause others to withdrawal, furthering the unsolved problem.

Understanding this cycle highlights a key truth: timing matters. Trying to solve a problem in the crisis phase is like arguing with a storm.

So how do we prevent this escalation? De-escalation begins internally. Before you try and manage the situation, you need to manage your own response.

Slow, steady breaths can interrupt your stress response and buy you a moment to think. If you are able, self-talk can help too. Ground yourself in what is true: This is not about me. This person is struggling. I didn’t cause this. Then anchor yourself in intention: Be professional. Be at your best. Help this person through the moment.

The shift from reaction to intention creates space between your emotions and your thoughts, which can help you move toward solutions.

Shifting to resolution

Once you are steady, you can begin to turn your attention to the other person. People escalate when they feel unheard, so start by acknowledging what you are hearing from their perspective. A simple recognition of their experience, their message, or even their body can lower defensiveness. This does mean giving in or agreeing; it's just recognizing their position.

Next, get curious and ask questions. Let me hear your side of the story what happened? What are you hoping for? Curiosity signals respect and often reveals what is really driving the behaviour. Then reflect back what you have heard in your own words. This shows you are listening and can help you correct misunderstandings early.

Similar to you shifting from reaction to intention, only after you see them moving out of their emotional intensity can you move toward solutions. If you try to move too quickly, you risk reigniting the conflict.

But what if it’s not genuine?

One of the hardest parts of managing hostility is uncertainty. Is the person overwhelmed—or are they being manipulative?

In practice, the reasoning often doesn’t matter. Shifting your own reaction will at least help yourself view the situation more easily. Then, helping de-escalate the conflict will usually work because the vast majority of the population isn't trying to manipulate or be abusive. However, if the behavior continues, boundaries become essential.

Set boundaries clearly—and calmly

Effective boundaries follow a simple structure: what, why, and now what.

Start with what. Name the behavior without judgment: “Your voice is very loud.” “You’re interrupting me.” Stick to observable facts.

Then explain why it matters, using “I” language: “I’m not able to focus on what you’re saying.” “I want this to be a respectful conversation.”

Finally, state now what: the change you are asking for. “Please lower your voice.” “Please let me finish speaking.”

If the behavior continues, repeat your request. If needed, add a consequence: “If this continues, I will need to end this conversation and we can come back to it tomorrow.” And if the line is crossed, follow through. Consistency builds credibility.

Turning a breaking point into a turning point

Hostile interactions will test your composure but they also provide you with an opportunity to grow. You can match intensity—or you can shift it. When you understand the phases of conflict, regulate your response, and communicate with clarity, you don’t just manage disagreement—you can transform it.

Ripley, A. (2021). High conflict: Why we get trapped and how we get out. Simon and Schuster.

Hotte, D. & New Solution Mediation. (2025). De-escalation training. https://newsolutionmediation.com/de-escalation-training/

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