Take our Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Test

Find a therapist to heal from trauma.

Healing breaks patterns of trauma that are often passed down across generations.

Healing also shifts the impacts of trauma, changing both relational patterns and biology.

Children learn how to love by watching the adults around them.

“I wish my parents had done the work of healing from their own childhoods,” Joanne said, letting out a long sigh. “Then I wouldn’t be sitting here with you, going over this again and again.” She added with a small laugh. “I mean, no offense!”

“None taken,” I replied, smiling. “You’re right. If your parents had done their own work, maybe you wouldn’t need therapy as much—or at least not for this long.”

Joanne had just completed her third year of therapy with me, and we had spent most of this time helping her unlearn dysfunctional patterns she had carried for decades.

I continued gently, “But also, if their parents—your grandparents—had done their own healing, perhaps your parents wouldn’t have repeated the same patterns of abuse and dysfunction.”

Joanne nodded, deep in thought. Then she added, “I realized the other day that I didn’t yell at my daughter when she spilled her juice. I normally would have snapped. I…I mean, there's just so much going on, and sometimes spilled juice is the last thing I can handle in that moment; I just want to scream! Like, my daughter is old enough to not be spilling so much anymore, you know?" She paused before continuing, "But I noticed that although I wanted to scream and yell, I just took a moment. I recognized this feeling inside me, but instead of reacting, I just paused, took a breath, and helped her clean it up.”

I could tell she was remembering the moment, so I let her continue. "I didn't even realize it until later that day that I handled it differently than I normally would have!"

“That’s huge,” I said. “You’re showing her something completely different than what you grew up with. You’re modeling patience, which is important, but most importantly, you are showing her safety when she makes a mistake. Which," I began slowly, "is not something you experienced growing up."

Joanne smiled, a mix of relief and pride on her face. “I never thought of it that way, but yeah… maybe my daughter will learn how to handle her own feelings because of this.”

“So… healing is helping me break the cycle,” she said thoughtfully.

Healing Helps Interrupt Patterns of Unhealthy Behaviors

Joanne is right. Epigenetic studies suggest that while trauma is often passed down across generations, healing experiences can actually shift how genes are expressed, potentially altering the trajectory for future generations.1 Many forms of trauma tend to repeat across generations, but healing helps to break this cycle. This means that experiences such as healthy, nurturing relationships, experiencing safety, and learning how to develop emotional regulation can change both our relational patterns and our biological inheritance.

Healing is never just about you. By doing the work to break the cycle of trauma and dysfunction in families and relationships, we are healing those who come after us. By healing and breaking the cycle, you are doing more than changing your own life. You are also changing those of your children and younger people who look up to you. You are showing them that we all deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, and that we all deserve safety.

Children learn how to love by watching the adults around them. We explored how, if you grew up in a home with abuse and dysfunction, you likely internalized a blueprint that equates love with chaos, violence, pain, or emotional abuse. But here is what is important for you to understand: Your healing rewrites that blueprint. It shows those around you who are learning from your example that we all deserve safety and that healing is possible. These observers do not have to be your own children; nieces, nephews, and extended family all benefit. In families marked by dysfunction, even one healthy extended family member—a grandparent, aunt, uncle, or older cousin—can serve as a vital lifeline for developing children to learn healthy ways of engaging with others.2

Take our Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Test

Find a therapist to heal from trauma.

Healing Helps Future Generations

It’s natural—and often necessary—to feel anger or disappointment toward our parents for the ways they hurt us. That blame is valid; it acknowledges the real impact of their actions. At the same time, understanding that many parents are carrying unresolved trauma from their own childhoods can provide context without excusing their behavior. Recognizing this cycle allows us to see the patterns more clearly, giving us the awareness and power to choose differently for ourselves and for the next generation.

The way you regulate your emotions, navigate conflict, and choose relationships doesn’t just impact you, but all of those who are learning from your example, watching you stand up for yourself, break unhealthy patterns, and learn healthier ones.

Becoming aware and building on that self-awareness to continue to heal and break patterns is how generational healing begins. It is a brave decision to break the cycle. You might never meet the grandchildren or great-grandchildren who benefit from the work you do today, but your actions today will affect them.

Excerpted, in part, from my book The Cycle Breaker's Guide to Healthy Relationships.

1. Banushi B, Collova J, Milroy H. (2025). Epigenetic Echoes: Bridging Nature, Nurture, and Healing Across Generations. Int J Mol Sci. 27;26(7):3075.

2. Walsh, F. (2016). Strengthening Family Resilience. 3rd Edition, Guilford Press, New York.

There was a problem adding your email address. Please try again.

By submitting your information you agree to the Psychology Today Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy

© Psychology Today