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Thought experiments reveal hidden desires and expectations in couples.

Couples' unrealistic expectations that the other can read their mind often leads to disappointment.

Writing relationship demands helps partners realize defensive behaviors.

One tool that a therapist can use to help alleviate patients’ suffering is to guide them to see situations from new perspectives. Obviously, this intervention does not apply in all cases, but with high-functioning patients, I have found theoretical thought experiments to be extremely insightful and revealing — especially with couples.

For example, I may ask a husband or wife in front of their spouse, “If a miracle were to occur during the night and your spouse were to wake up tomorrow as your ideal partner, please describe how they would behave, how they would treat you, what your daily lives would be like, what activities you would partake in together, how you would flourish together, and how you would show your appreciation and affection for each other.”

This thought experiment usually yields fascinating and unexpected responses as people tend to grow complacent over time and romance; proactively showing appreciation and affection often withers. In addition, couples frequently fall into the trap of making assumptions about their partners while believing their partners are psychic and “should know” things about them, such as, “They should know I like… receiving flowers, visiting museums, getting foot massages, traveling to Europe, trying new restaurants, etc.” These psychic expectations are disappointments waiting to manifest on a daily basis. Once both partners write down what their ideal relationship would resemble, each person has a roadmap to follow, which makes it much more difficult to get lost.

Similarly, I might say, “I feel as if both of you are holding your affection hostage until your demands are met. However, we’ve already determined that neither of you is clairvoyant. Please write down all of your demands in order to release the affection that you are holding hostage.”

After the partners write down their lists of demands, both of them typically realize how defensive and withholding they have become and how they might be keeping score and holding grudges. If we can complete a full hostage exchange, including both parties asking for forgiveness, each of them usually feels relieved and able to be vulnerable and giving again.

Likewise, during reflective listening exercises, I might ask, “If at the end of our session, I could wave a magic wand and change one thing about your partner, what would it be?”

This always yields interesting responses because when they have to narrow it down to one thing, it is usually revelatory about a deeper pattern. For example, one partner might say, “If you could wave a magic wand and change one thing about my partner, it would be that they show up on time and are never late again.” Then we can explore how that lateness lands — usually as disrespect and/or alienation — and discuss the feelings around wanting to have a reliable, secure connection with each other and how a little thing, such as tardiness, unintentionally signals unreliability and disrespect.

And often for couples, for all of the above reasons, such as complacency, assumptions, projected psychic abilities, grudges, etc., when appreciation and affection decline, it’s not difficult to imagine that people are not inspired to be sexual. For these couples, I might ask them individually in front of their partner, “Imagine you’ve been hired by Harlequin Romance to write the most romantic "date" possible that culminates in the most passionate love-making of your life. Describe that date minute-by-minute from beginning to end.”

This thought experiment generally reinvigorates marriages because it has each partner focus on the love language of the other and gives them ideas about how to keep romance novel and exciting.

Left to our own devices, human beings tend toward intellectual laziness. Couples need to be curious about their partners and learn how to evolve together psychologically, emotionally, and physically. Fresh perspectives on stagnant relationships can be provided by conducting theoretical thought experiments. We all have imaginations as well as ideas of our ideal lives: Therapy is the safe space where patients can explore paths to leading their ideal lives.

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