It’s February, and for many, that’s a time for contemplating love, intimacy, and relationships. Inevitably, attachment theory may come up. While it’s a useful framework for understanding how humans interact and handle intimacy, like any framework, it hinders rather than helps when applied rigidly. First, some background on attachment theory.

Attachment theory was developed by psychoanalyst and psychiatrist John Bowlby throughout the 1950s. He observed that children form an internal working model of relationships based on early attachment experiences with their primary caregiver and the latter’s availability and responsiveness. Bowlby theorized that attachment behaviors are instinctual and evolved to promote the survival of infants. Disruptions in early attachments (like separation, neglect, or abuse) can make it difficult for a child to feel safe, seen, or soothed in relationships. Over time, the child develops protective strategies such as shutting down emotionally, becoming overly vigilant to signs of rejection, or experiencing confusion and fear around intimacy. These internal working models and attachment systems then go on to potentially influence and be influenced by future relationships.

Psychologist Mary Ainsworth later expanded on Bowlby's work in the 1970s, introducing the Strange Situation Procedure (SSP) to identify attachment patterns through observing infant behavior in controlled environments. Based on research by Ainsworth and others, such as Mary Main1, there are four main attachment styles that refer to different patterns of emotional bonds and attachment processes that influence human development and future relationships. They are generally characterized in the following basic ways:

Those four categories have taken on a life of their own and are used to explain adult relationship dynamics, ranging from how attachment styles influence relationship functioning, emotional intimacy, and a person’s ability to form meaningful relationships and emotional connections within family,........

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