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Research published by the American Psychological Association suggests that we often limit ourselves to small talk with strangers because we underestimate how much others are interested in our lives. We avoid deeper conversations out of fear that they might be awkward and less enjoyable than they actually are (Winerman, 2021). However, connecting with others in a deep, meaningful way contributes to our happiness, combating loneliness while building a sense of community.

Small talk isn’t totally worth discounting. It has been shown to act as a gateway to deeper conversations, breaking the ice so that “big talk” questions land well (Nyrie Bouloutian, 2025). For author Kalina Silverman, having deep conversations with strangers has transformed her life. Her book, Big Talk, explores ways that we can all connect on a deeper level through conversation.

Q: Share a bit about your background and what inspired you to write Big Talk.

Kalina Silverman (KS): Big Talk was born from the belief that no one has to feel alone when they’re feeling lonely.

You can be surrounded by people and still feel disconnected if you don’t take that next step to meaningfully connect. Loneliness doesn’t come from being alone — it comes from not feeling known.

Big Talk began when I was feeling lonely. I was surrounded by people having surface-level conversations, and I wondered what would happen if we skipped the scripts and asked deeper questions.

I started approaching strangers and inviting them to skip small talk and have more meaningful conversations with me (this was the first Big Talk video I ever made). The vulnerability and honesty that followed changed my life. This book reflects what those conversations taught me and serves as a guide for readers to create Big Talk in their everyday lives.

Q: How has skipping the small talk enriched your life, personally?

KS: Big Talk has become my passport to the world. I can ask the same deep question to people from completely different walks of life. I’ve had Big Talk conversations with children under 10, elders over 100, people in prison, army veterans, CEOs, professional athletes, models, musicians, and many others.

It’s given me a sense of connection almost everywhere I go. I’ve had deeply meaningful conversations with strangers who, on paper, had completely different lives than mine — and yet emotionally, we shared the same fears and hopes.

It has also deepened my closest relationships. I’ve learned that you can know someone for years, but one deeper question can open a door to a story you’ve never heard before.

Q: How do you define “big talk,” and what are its benefits?

KS: Big Talk (as opposed to small talk) is a conversation that moves beyond surface-level questions and explores who people really are — their values, struggles, dreams, and defining life experiences.

Big Talk questions tend to be universal, meaning anyone can answer them regardless of background. They’re open-ended, which invites reflection instead of short responses. And they’re story-eliciting, encouraging people to share experiences that shaped their perspective.

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The biggest benefit is a meaningful human connection. Big Talk reduces loneliness, builds empathy, and strengthens relationships. It reminds us how much we actually have in common beneath the surface.

Q: What are your top three tips for readers who want to have more meaningful conversations?

KS: Be approachable. Many of us walk through the world with our heads down or buried in our phones, which unintentionally signals that we’re closed off to connection.

Lead with curiosity rather than worrying about how you’re being perceived. If you feel a genuine question, fascination, or compliment about someone, say it out loud.

Ask intentional, open-ended questions that invite reflection, such as “What experiences shaped who you are today?” And be willing to share yourself honestly. Vulnerability tends to invite vulnerability back.

Q: What is the most memorable question someone has asked you?

KS: Someone asked me, “When do you feel most like yourself?” That question stays with me, because the answer is so expansive. I feel most like myself when I’m helping people connect with each other, when I’m surfing in the ocean, when I’m laughing uncontrollably with childhood friends, when I’m cooking Chinese noodles for friends and family, and when I’m traveling and exploring a new country with spontaneity. This question helps me understand that connection is an inside job.

Q: How can readers use Big Talk for personal growth or journaling?

KS: The same questions you ask others can be powerful when you ask them of yourself. I often discover something new about myself simply by answering a question with pen on paper.

Ask yourself questions like:

• What makes me feel most alive?

• What do I want to experience or accomplish before I die — and am I living in alignment with those dreams?

• How do I want to show up in my relationships as well as interactions with strangers? What do I want to do more of? What do I want to do less of? What kind of conversations do I want to have more of in my life — and what might happen if I started them today?

• What are my hidden fascinations or curiosities — and how might I give myself permission to explore them?

• Who do I love in this world, and how am I actively expressing that love?

• Does who I am on the outside match who I am on the inside? Where might there be dissonance?

Journaling with reflective prompts helps people notice patterns in their relationships, values, and goals. It can clarify who you are and who you want to become.

Q: What do you hope readers take away from Big Talk?

KS: I hope readers walk away feeling less alone and more empowered to build deeper relationships. I hope they realize that meaningful connection usually begins with something very simple — one brave, thoughtful question.

You never know which question might be the one that makes someone feel seen for the first time in years. Small talk keeps us comfortable. Big Talk changes us.

Nyrie Bouloutian. (2025, March 15). How Small Talk Opens Up Deeper Connections. Wharton Neuroscience Initiative. https://neuro.wharton.upenn.edu/news/how-small-talk-opens-up-deeper-connections-2/

Winerman, L. (2021). Getting beyond Small talk: Study Finds People Enjoy Deep Conversations with Strangers. Apa.org. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2021/09/deep-conversations-stra…

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