Why Relationships Matter

Take our Can You Spot Red Flags In A Relationship?

Find a therapist to strengthen relationships

The so-called bro code encourages men to follow set rules when dealing with each other.

This can mean that disrespect towards other men is seen as more serious than disrespect toward women.

To achieve a healthy culture, harmful behaviour should be challenged, no matter who it's directed toward.

During the reunion of "Love Is Blind" Season 10, the show’s host, Nick Lachey, confronted contestant Chris Fusco for trying to move in on his friend Connor’s fiancée, violating what viewers quickly labelled the "bro code." Chris had formed a close friendship with fellow contestant Connor during the pod stage of the show, but after ending things with his own partner Jessica, Chris approached Connor’s fiancée, Bri, at a mixer and criticised Connor to her, suggesting that he, Chris, would be a better match for her and would treat Bri better.

At the reunion, Lachey described Chris’s behaviour as "brutal," questioning his character and admonishing his behaviour towards Connor. It was notable that the same level of anger was not directed at Chris for his multiple cruel comments about Jessica’s appearance, which was framed as more of an opportunity for Chris to grow and develop going forward.

Many viewers, particularly women, used this contrast to note a persistent pattern across reality TV shows. Men who insult, dismiss, or mistreat women rarely receive the same level of anger or moral condemnation as those who are seen to breach the rules of the so-called bro code. In other words, when women are disrespected, it’s often framed as relationship drama, but when a man disrespects another man, it's seen as a serious moral issue that must be addressed.

Understanding the bro code

So why are men more likely to challenge problematic behaviour with other men, as opposed to when women are being disrespected or harmed? Keith (2020) explored the concept of the ‘bro code’ and highlighted how it creates social norms around the need for in-group loyalty and sets expectations around how members of the same social group, in this case male friends, should treat one another. Kantar & Yalçın (2023) found that these social norms are often based in social identity theory, where people are highly motivated to protect members of their own group. In other words, for many men, particularly in male-dominated environments, other men represent a key in-group, and violating loyalty within that group threatens status hierarchies and trust within the group. That’s why these behaviours often provoke strong reactions and in the case of "Love is Blind," why Chris appearing to undermine a male friend and compete for his partner was perceived as such a significant violation by other males.

The problem is, however, that all not all harmful behaviour is treated the same. Instead of the harm itself triggering outrage, it appears to be dependent on who the harm was directed at. This is particularly challenging when harmful behaviour directed towards women is frequently treated as less important than that directed at men.

Why is disrespectful behaviour towards women often treated as less important?

When a man’s behaviour threatens the in-group norms, such as loyalty or status, the need to step in can be easily identified by others in the group. However, when the target of the behaviour isn’t in that group, it becomes much easier to brush it off as "relationship drama" or an expectation that the target should give the man some leeway in his behaviour. Kantar & Yalçın (2023) suggest that when this framing is used, the need to show respect for other males in the group is often seen as much more important than the feelings and perceptions of women, even those close to the men.

When harmful behaviour toward women is taken less seriously, several things can happen. Women’s experiences of problematic behaviour are minimised and the need to challenge them or take action is reduced. This includes the need to challenge sexist jokes or comments, and a lack of perceived responsibility for addressing this. In other words, men may think that it’s not their problem to solve, so they become inconsistent in their accountability, and may be less likely to challenge problematic behaviour toward women or call out those who engage in it

Why Relationships Matter

Take our Can You Spot Red Flags In A Relationship?

Find a therapist to strengthen relationships

Healthy cultures, whether in real life or reality television, require a more consistent approach to accountability and one that is based on the presence of harmful behaviour rather than who it was directed towards. Here are some useful questions to ask when considering whether you have an unconscious hierarchy of accountability:

Have you ever seen behaviour toward women dismissed as relationship issues or drama that would be condemned if directed at a man?

When you see conflict between men and women, whose perspective do you instinctively prioritise?

When was the last time you saw a man hold another man accountable for their behaviour and what triggered this?

Asking these types of questions is important in order to notice patterns, allowing us to develop healthier relationships and amore positive, equitable culture. Going forward, here are four steps that we can all take to achieve this:

Challenge misogyny with the same energy used to defend male loyalty.

Listen to women and take their experiences of disrespect seriously.

Redefine respect as something owed to everyone, not just members of our own group.

Encourage all men to call out harmful behaviour, even when no other man is affected.

Despite what we see on reality television, breaking the bro code shouldn’t be the moment that finally triggers outrage. Harmful behaviour, whoever it’s directed at, should be enough for us to stand up and take action.

Kantar, A., & Yalçın, İ. (2023). Masculinity and seeking psychological help: a review based on social identity theory. Psikiyatride Güncel Yaklaşımlar, 15(4), 677-686.

Keith, T. (2020). The bro code: The fallout of raising boys to objectify and subordinate women. Routledge.

© Psychology Today