The Challenges of Divorce

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A narcissistic co-parent almost always engages in parental alienation.

Parental alienation occurs when your ex plays the victim and shifts all blame onto you.

Kids are programmed to protect their attachment relationships and jump in to help one that seems victimized.

A narcissistic co-parent can be vindictive and seems to have an insatiable need to “win” every power struggle during a divorce. In many instances, they involve the kids and have no qualms about turning your own kids against you. Alternatively, you want to put the dysfunctional marriage behind you and move forward, prioritizing your kids' health and happiness. The last thing you want is for the kids to endure any additional suffering.

Parental alienation takes place when one parent plays the victim with the kids and manipulates them into taking care of them while influencing them to turn their back on you. For example, “You and your dad and your sisters are together in the home that used to be mine. I am completely alone in an apartment. I have never been so lonely. I’m not sure I’m going to make it through this.” When a child hears this, they instantly panic. Biologically, neurologically, psychologically, and emotionally, kids are programmed to protect their attachment relationship. Without a second thought, the child dives in to help a parent that they believe is in peril.

After the child drops everything to attend to this parent, the parent will further “chain” them to their side by making the child think that they are the only ones who can help them. For example, “What would I do without you? You help me so much. I always know I can count on you. You are the only one who truly helps me.” Now, the child believes that they are responsible for helping their vulnerable parent through hard times… that the parent’s well-being is on their shoulders. This is often referred to as parentification, and it creates intense and constant anxiety in a child and prevents them from enjoying their own childhood.

To boot, the narcissistic co-parent continually blames you for their “ruined life.” They say things like, “Your mom takes so much child support that I can barely survive. I cannot afford to buy groceries.” Or “Your dad took my entire retirement account. I’ll be working until I die.”

Basically, they exaggerate, manipulate, and continue to play the victim while blaming you for their terrible plight in life, and when the child rushes to their side and rejects you, the narcissistic co-parent immediately acts stable and happy. The child now thinks that they have no choice but to rebuff you because they believe it is the only way to keep their vulnerable parent stable. Constantly worried about this parent, they are relieved when they appear happy.

Because you do not play the victim and you would never ask your child to take care of your emotional needs, the child perceives you as strong and in no need of any help. They also blame you for “ruining” your co-parent’s life. In their mind, you deserve to be punished.

Once a child is manipulated by the co-parent, they are almost impossible to reach. It seems like the more you try to help them see the dysfunctional dynamic, the more they perceive you as the “bully” that the other parent says you are. Also, kids despise parental drama, and your child has already made up their mind, so they refuse to listen to you. It’s awful, and it may seem hopeless, but it is not. Several strategies may help.

First, avoid bringing up the other parent. Help your child with the emotional mistreatment that they experience with your co-parent when they identify that they need your help. When they ask for assistance, refrain from saying anything negative about your co-parent and instead empathize. For example, “You were really shocked and disappointed. I get it, honey. I would feel the same way. You have every right to feel like that.” By empathizing, you are helping them emotionally, but you are not doing what your co-parent does, which is to trash you at any chance they get. Also, you are keeping the focus on your child. This is essential. Next, assist them in thinking about how to manage the predicament in the future so they can protect themselves.

Second, honor their perspective any chance you get. For example, in the car, they mention that they like a new rapper. You may not like rap, but you honor your child’s perspective. For example, “I’m glad you like them, honey. It’s fun to discover new artists. Music is so therapeutic sometimes.” Validating their viewpoint, even though you have a different perspective, is something that your co-parent may find difficult. A narcissistic co-parent often lacks the ability to consider a different perspective due to their “my way or the highway” attitude. They also believe that they are always right, so they may continually rebuff your child for expressing an opinion that differs from theirs. Unfortunately, your child may have quickly learned to censor themselves and may have already trained themselves to think like your co-parent to avoid emotional abuse.

The Challenges of Divorce

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Find a therapist to heal from a divorce

Third, tell them funny and adorable stories about them as babies and small children. Most kids love hearing about themselves when they were younger. The narratives also validate their deeper qualities. For example, perhaps the story is about your son saving an injured baby bird. Or it may be about your daughter standing up for a friend against a bully at the park. Meaningful stories are everything. They prove to your child that you have always been there, and that you have always seen them. You know who they are, and you can prove this by retelling sacred stories about them when they were much younger. Typically, a narcissistic parent has difficulties doing this. They are focused on getting what they want in the moment, and they prefer to keep things superficial and about themselves, so they lack the ability to identify and remember deep and profound attachment experiences with their children.

All three of these strategies have something in common. They allow you to differentiate yourself, relationally, from your co-parent. You can offer your child empathy, perspective-taking, and a deep understanding of who they are and have always been. Your co-parent has great difficulties with these things. Your child probably feels much different with your ex than they do with you. They must censor themselves, take care of your ex’s emotions, and endure the emotional abandonment that they experience when they fall short of their expectations. In time, they may recognize that one parent is emotionally safe, and the other is not.

You can find more information on this topic in my book, How to Outsmart a Narcissist; Use Emotional Intelligence to Regain Control at Home, Work, and In Life.

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