Autistic people often find it difficult to know who they are after years of camouflaging.

Camouflaging usually begins in childhood and can shape identity over a lifetime.

You don't need to reject every part of your camouflaged self to live more authentically.

“I don’t know who I am.” This is what Anisha told me after confirming she was autistic. It’s something I hear regularly, often after the relief that comes following a diagnosis has settled. The reason it’s such an intrinsic part of so many autistic women’s experience is because of the camouflaging that many of us rely on. Camouflaging is more than simply having a “professional” self and a “private” self, which is something most people can identify with. For many people, it’s a complete suppression of who they really are from a very early age.

Camouflaging shows up in different ways, one of which is hiding feelings of discomfort. My first memories of doing this were in primary school, where I experienced extremely high levels of anxiety from the first day I started. I worried about spelling something incorrectly, getting the answer to a sum wrong, being late, or having to speak in class. By my second year, I was terrified of being bullied, and my biggest worry, the one that dominated my weeks and led to severe migraines, was PE.

The only relief I had from this constant anxiety was when I had a migraine and could spend the day locked in the dark. But apart from that obvious sign that something wasn’t quite right, nobody knew about the permanent heightened state of anxiety I was in, because I hid it. I hid behaviours that had been open and natural before........

© Psychology Today