There are certain characteristics of those who are predisposed to being abusive.

Learning these characteristics can help you recognize them in yourself.

Instead of blaming and shaming yourself for having these characteristics, you can work toward change,

This is the third in a series focused on recognizing and changing abusive behavior. [See Why Some Victims of Child Abuse Repeat what was Done to Them and Recognizing Abusive Patterns: A Guide to Change].

Because it can be so difficult to realize when you are being abusive, I’ve listed and described some characteristics that can predispose a person to becoming abusive, especially with their partners. These characteristics include:

A strong desire to remain in control

Children who are emotionally, physically, or sexually abused have no control over what is happening to them. They are ordered around, put down, criticized, and shamed. They have their emotional and physical boundaries violated constantly. It is a common reaction for survivors of any type of abuse to overcompensate for this loss of control by becoming overly controlling and domineering. Some consciously think such thoughts as, “No one is ever going to control me again,” but usually the decision is an unconscious one. Many deliberately choose partners they can control; others are unaware that they are attracted to those who allow them to be in control of the relationship.

A tendency to blame others for your own problems

Many of those who were abused as children, especially males, cope with their abuse by utilizing the form of denial called “identifying with the aggressor.” When a young child refuses to acknowledge to himself that he is being victimized but instead justifies or minimizes the behavior of the abuser, he will often grow up to be very much like........

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