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When in the grips of stress, we lose our ability for seeing a big picture and get stuck in "small self-view."

When we get stuck in small self-view during relationship conflict, we lose capacity for perspective taking.

Learning how to take the "Ocean View" allows for more flexible and expansive thinking and for connection.

Several months ago I watched captivated as the Artemis II capsule catapulted through the Earth’s atmosphere at 25,000 miles per hour, was enveloped by temperatures of 10,000 degrees Celsius, and splashed down into the Pacific Ocean, bringing its four astronauts safely home after traveling farther from Earth than any human has done. Nothing like a little space travel to put things into perspective.

On my morning walk the next day, I was greeted by both the rising sun and the crescent moon, and I thought about the magnificent photos of the moon and Earth taken from outer space on this latest space excursion. I am, after all, just a speck in a cosmic universe.

That shift of perspective is so counter to what I, and most of us humans, experience much of the time. This is especially so when in the grips of stress. It is what I call the “small self-view.” Opposite to seeing the big picture and putting things in a wider frame, we see things from the perspective of me, myself, and I. This can be especially unhelpful and present obstacles when it comes to relationships. When caught in the small self-view in the midst of stress or interpersonal conflict, this narrow focus and tunnel vision can limit our thinking and behavioral repertoire in ways that can often make it hard to see the other’s perspective.

In the grips of stress (when our nervous system perceives “threat” of some kind), it makes sense that our body mobilizes into this survival state. If I’m running from a tiger, I don’t have the luxury of taking in the surroundings, the periphery, the expansive sky, or the flowers growing in the far-off field. My body, flooded with stress chemicals, wants to do one thing, and........

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